“God is with you. He must be, for you are the closest thing to an angel I’ve ever met.” Blag!!!
“The Notebook” by Nicholas Sparks, the one I was reading, fell to the floor. I dropped it because there, smiling in front of me, at the opposite side of the glass wall, was the man, the only man I had ever loved with all my heart. His smile made my world spin. For that brief moment, I was no longer at the National Bookstore, I was in heaven. Then, reality pulled me back.
I am not prepared to see him yet. This couldn’t be happening. This is not true! I closed my eyes tightly hoping his image would disappear. And when I opened my eyes, he was gone.
Good thing! It was just another one of my illusions.
Relief flooded my heart. At that moment, I stooped down to pick the book. But before I could reach it, a familiar hand picked it and handed it to me.
It is him again! Again, I closed my eyes. It’s just another illusion!
“Are you ok?” His voice told me it wasn’t an illusion. His voice brought back so many memories flashing right before my closed eyes, memories I thought I had forgotten. As I opened my eyes, I saw his smiling face.
His eyes, oh his eyes, still have that intense gaze. His hair is thinner. A few wrinkles can be seen here and there; an obvious sign of the ten years that passed since I last saw him. Yes, ten years have passed and still, I am not ready for this.
“Are you ok?” I must have stared at him for too long. I finally managed to talk.
“Umm...yes. I’m ok. What are you doing here?”
“Actually, I saw you getting off your car. I followed you but I lost you in the crowd. I figured that the first place you’d go to is the bookstore. Lucky guess huh?” he narrated animatedly. I still can’t believe he’s here.
“Well, yes lucky guess! Why did you….umm…..follow me?”
“Hmm. Well, not for any reason really. It’s just that it’s good to meet up with old friends, don’t you think?”
“Ah yes!” I was just a friend ever since.
“Can you accompany me to the supermarket? I just have to buy some groceries.” Then, suddenly, maybe unconsciously, he patted my shoulder. I was surprised. I had forgotten how that felt. I have forgotten that it felt really good. I could only look at him.
What is he doing here? Why did God let us meet?
“Sure.” I, finally, answered nervously. My heart was beating so loud I think he can hear it. The two of us said nothing until we went inside the supermarket.
The supermarket is huge. After he took a cart, we walked, now at a slower pace, towards the fruit section.
“How are you?” We laughed because we inquired at the same time.
“I am ok. I am now working as junior vice president in a certain company in Makati. I've worked there ever since I graduated. I was actually surprised with the promotion. I really didn't expect it,” I answered humbly.
“Well, I think you deserve such a promotion. You are a very smart woman, you know.” I blushed at his words. He didn't seem to notice because he continued talking, “As for me, I am the chief engineer of a construction firm. Some ask me why I chose construction work over office work. My only answer is that I want to work with something tangible, something which development relies on me. And at the end of the day, nothing is more fulfilling than seeing a family full of love being sheltered by the house you constructed.”
“We really are opposites” was all I could say. I was so moved by his words, by his love.
He laughed at my remark and said “Yes, ever since.”
But opposites attract!
I was so delighted by my thoughts I couldn't think of a smart response. He, too, seemed to be thinking about something. Silence enveloped us again.
I know he’s waiting for me to say something but I don’t know what to say or actually, how to say it. Exactly how do you tell the person you love that you love him even after ten years?
“Can I ask you something personal?” he asked, as if reading my thoughts. I nodded in response.
“Have you ever been in love?”
“Well, yes. I guess everyone has but it didn’t work out. It’s pretty much one-sided. Well, actually I never told him how I feel or even ask him if he feels the same way. I guess that’s the thing between boys and girls. Boys do the asking and girls do the answering.” I laughed at my remark but he stayed serious.
“Don’t you think it deserves a second chance?”
“Maybe not. How about you, do you believe in second chances?”
“Of course. Everybody deserves a second chance.”
“Even if, even if she’s hurt you so much?” I heard my voice crack.
“Yes.”
“But why?”
“Simply because I love her.” Now, he’s looking at me in the eyes. I could not mutter a response so I turned and feigned to examine the apples in the shelf.
He loves me! He loves me! He LOVES me!
I have to say something.
“How about you, have you ever been in love?” I asked without looking at him.
“Yes and like you, I never really told her. I felt so unworthy of her. And, being the kind of woman that she is, I think she wanted to finish her studies first. I don’t want to hinder that. ” I did not answer instead I examined a bottle of jam so he continued talking “Back then, she tried so hard to fit in. She never realized that people love her more when she’s just being herself. I love her more when she’s just being who she is.”
“And you never loved anyone else?”
“I’ve had a lot of attractions. But none of them really developed into a real relationship. Actually, I remember asking myself often why I never entered a relationship. Then, I realized that I want her to be my first and last, my one and only.” He said this so passionately that I can feel my tears coming again that I could not answer.
“How about you, do you have someone else besides that man you love?”
“I had a few infatuations but I end up comparing them to him. Eventually, I realized, that after all these years, he’s still the one I’m looking for.” Having said that was a relief. I never thought I could tell him that. He gazed at me for about three seconds, the longest three seconds of my life, and then my phone rang. It was Claire, my secretary.
“I’m sorry but I have to go. My secretary is calling, I guess, to remind me of my meeting. I have to go. Bye!” I turned around quickly to leave. I rejected my secretary’s call for some unknown reason and hurried off to the exit.
“Sarah!” Hearing him say my name made my knees grow weak.
“Yes?”
“Thank you! I’ll see you at the homecoming party tomorrow night. Bye!” I smiled weakly in response. As I turned around, panic enveloped me.
It is tomorrow night! I’m not ready yet! I pressed speed dial number five.
“Claire, cancel all my meetings for today and tomorrow. I have to prepare for something really important.” Something I’m sure will change my life forever.
I spent the rest of the day trying out clothes from store to store .The theme was prom night. I have had sad prom nights with him. On the first one, he left me, with jaw dropped open, on the dance floor. The next one, we never left the dance floor. He was dancing with another girl. I, the photographer, was obliged to take photos of the love of my life dancing to my favorite tune with the most beautiful girl in our batch. Ouch!
I hope this next one will be different. No, I’m sure this next one will be different.
The next day was my first time to spend a day at the salon. But I think it was worth it. When I left the salon, I felt beautiful. I drove to the venue, our university quadrangle, with Michael Murphy singing “Maybe this time” in the background.
“Maybe this time it'll be love that they'll find. Maybe now they can be more than just friends. She's back in his life and it feels so right. Maybe this time, love won't end.”
I could hardly recognize the university quadrangle as I got off my car. It was painted white and gone are the shoe marks on the wall. The stage was also equipped with lighting and a nice looking rostrum. It looked a lot better compared to the filthy stage with only one power outlet where we used to practice our play about a chapter in Noli Me Tangere. Everything had changed, including me.
I am no longer that silly high school girl who cannot mutter a “Hi” to her crush because tonight, yes, tonight, I’m going to tell him.
Then, a hand patted my back. As I turned around, I, again, saw that beautiful face which has decorated my dreams for ten long years.
“Hey, you look beautiful. Can I have this dance?” he invited with his irresistible smile. I took his hand wearing a smile that reached to my dangling pearl earrings.
“There’s something you should know.” We both eagerly said.
“Go ahead.” I whispered smiling.
This is it! He’s going to propose!
“I…” His words were interrupted by a rude ring from his phone. He answered it turning his back. When he finally faced me, my worst nightmare came.
“I’m sorry. It’s my daughter, Elaine. I think she’s having nightmares again. I’m sorry but I have to go. Bye!” He frantically uttered. I was shocked. I could only watch him leave the place.
My God! He did it again! He left me. And worse, he already have a daughter!
Next thing I know, I was sitting in a chair with a lot of people patting my back and offering handkerchiefs in all colors and patterns. But no pat or handkerchief can wipe away all my false hopes and shattered dreams. I thought it was impossible for a man to break a heart twice.
But for the nth time since yesterday, I thought wrong. My thoughts hurt me more. I could no longer contain it. I rushed to my car without even saying goodbye and beat every red light I came across. My heart was going to burst in pain. I could feel it. I stepped on the breaks as hard as I can. I don't know where I am but I actually don't care.
He has a daughter. He is married. I am so dumb!! Sarah, what made you think you are the woman he was referring to in his story yesterday?! You assumed too much! Now, you look silly! You made a fool out of yourself!” How can he hurt me like this?! First, he has child. Why did he not just tell me yesterday?! Is it just to hurt me? And, now, why does he have to leave me standing alone in that dance floor again!? Doesn’t he know that it hurts me? Doesn’t he know that I love him?
The answer donned on me as soon as I thought of the question. He didn’t know. He didn’t know because I never told him. I was the one to blame because I never told him the things he had to know.
I should not have hoped for a happy ending.
I covered my face with my hands. My heart was in so much pain I wish I could pull it out and throw it away. I closed my eyes and cried till I fell asleep.
I was woken by honks of a car. I straightened up and saw a car approaching from a distance. It stopped right in front of my car. A person hurriedly got off the car, opened my door and took me in his arms. I instantly recognized the warmth embrace. This was the embrace I have been longing for ever since I became a teenager. It was him.
“God! Where have you been? They told me you left the party crying! I have been searching for you all night!” He screamed at my ear. I wanted to hug him too but instead, I pushed him back.
“Go away! I don’t need you!” I screamed at him trying to break free from his guarding arms. Surprisingly, he let go. It hurt me more.
Doesn’t he really care?
“You really resemble my daughter. Those were the exact words she told me hours ago when I came for her. Oh! I'm sorry I had to leave you before we finished the dance. I just had to come to her.”
How can he say these things to me? My thoughts hurt me and brought more tears.
“To make up to you, can we continue our dance?” He suddenly whispered while holding out his right hand.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I cried in desperation.
“Ssshh… Please?” He whispered again.
He looked so calm and sincere. How can you resist a man like that? After all, nothing can more be painful than what I feel right now. He can’t possibly hurt me even more.
After convincing myself, I took his hand. Then he started to sing.
“The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful stop me and steal my breath...”
Why is it that even though he has hurt me so much, the sound of his voice seem to melt all the pain?
Wait! What am I thinking?! What am I doing!? Sarah! This guy has ripped your heart apart! Why are you dancing with him?! Don’t let him hurt you again! You must not be deceived! You must be firm!
“Stop it! Go away and stop hurting me! I don’t need you! I’m better off without you!” I pushed him back and started to run away.
I wish I could summon an airplane, fly and migrate to Greece!
But what he shouted caused me to halt my expedition to Greece.
“Wow. This is really amazing! Those were the exact words she shouted at me the day I came to fetch her from the orphanage” My jaw dropped again as I faced him.
What did he just said?
I froze. I could no longer feel my body. All I can hear is my heart throbbing and all I could see was him making his way to me. He wrapped me with his arms. I could feel the steady beat of his heart.
“You adopted her? You’re not married?” I slowly muttered my questions.
“Yes, from an orphanage in Tagaytay. Besides who told you I am married?”
“Well, no one but who is the girl you were talking about yesterday?”
“Do you want to see her picture?” I nodded as a response. He took his wallet, pulled a picture and handed it to me. It was hard to see in the dark but I realized it was cropped from our class picture. It was me. I was overwhelmed.
Maybe, I am not going to migrate to Greece after all.
I gazed at him. Once again I was lost in those deep black eyes I have fallen in love with years ago. If this is how it feels to be lost, I wish I will never be found.
“I love you, I always have” he whispered to my ear.
My previously broken heart is now jumping with joy. I embraced him tightly.
“It is funny that the only person who can mend your heart is the one who broke it.” I whispered to him smiling. That feeling of being promoted from supervisor to junior vice president cannot describe even half of what I feel now.
“I’m sorry I broke you’re heart” He apologized as he faced me and held my face in his hands.
“It’s ok. This is worth all the pain. You are worth all the pain.” Our eyes met. He gazed into me like he did yesterday. He brought his hand to my face, lightly touching it, caressing my cheeks. He stroked my hair, tucked some loose strands behind my ear and held me closer. I closed my eyes and placed my hands in his neck and started caressing his neck down to his chest.
I have dreamed of this! Finally! My first kiss!
There was a long silence. Then, he burst in laughter.
“What’s so funny?” I retorted with a bit of disappointment in my voice.
“Your face is all black!” he managed to say in between chuckles. When I turned and looked at my reflection in the side mirror. I screamed.
“My mascara!”
