A wish came true

He smiled at me this afternoon.

HE SMILED AAAAAAAAAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 

and i was so overwhelmed i tried to smile but i ended up looking like my tooth aches. I am such a failure. That was my only chance to offer you my best smile! UGH! I feel like a highschool student meeting her first crush along a corridor. UGH! Confidence? Where is my confidence!?

why does your smile have to be that beautiful? all i was able to do was stand in awe.

Magical Moment < 3

Alam kong cheesy pero kailangan mo na talagang malaman. Aalis na ako kaya huling pagkakataon ko na para sabihin sayo ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Mahal kita noon pa pero maniniwala ka ba kung sasabihin kong mas mahal kita ngayon? Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin. Magmumukha naman akong tanga nun kaya pinaramdam ko na lang. Sana naman  naramdaman mo diba? I love you so much I cannot even speak of its length or breadth or depth. I never thought I could love someone like this but then again I thought wrong. Dahil sayo, lagi na akong may katext at hindi ko na kailangan magforward ng quotes para masulit ang unli ko. Dahil sayo nagkaroon ako ng tapang. Dahil sayo mas naintindihan ko ang sarili ko. Dahil sayo naging mas mabuti akong tao. Dahil sayo, wala na akong pakialam sa sasabihin nila. Basta masaya ka. Basta kasama kita. 

Pero hindi rin naging madali ang ipakita sayo na mahal kita. Maraming beses na rin akong umiyak dahil sayo. Maraming beses na naiinis ako kasi hindi ko maiwasang hindi ka isipin kahit marami akong ginagawa sa acads. Maraming beses na naiiyak na lang ako sa sobrang pagod. Maraming beses na nahihilo na ako sa sobrang puyat. Maraming beses na rin na ginusto ko ng isuko ang lahat ng ito. Pero sa tuwing nakikita kitang nakangiti, nakatawa at masaya, nalulusaw lahat ng paghihirap. Nawawala lahat ng lungkot. Biglang ok na ako ulit.

Sabi ng mga magulang ko, nakasama ka raw sa akin. Nalulungkot ako. Nalulungkot ako kasi hindi nila makita kung gaano ako naging isang mabuting tao dahil sayo, kung gaano ako naging matatag dahil sayo. My best has always been because of you.

Sana sa pag-alis ko maging ok ka pa rin. Sana malampasan mo ang mga sarili mong expectations. Magkakalayo na tayo pero di naman ako mawawala. Pangako yan. Tawag ka lang pag kailangan mo ko. Alam mo namang hindi kita matitiis.

Sa panghuli, gusto kong magpasalamat sayo.  Salamat sa pagkakataong magkaroon tayo ng “babies” at “mga bunso.” Sana alam nila kung gaano ko sila kamahal.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging "Best Member" si Demae. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Canter na kinikilig. Salamat sa pagkakataong magpuyat kasama ni Gelli. Salamat sa pagkakataong masabihan ni Kat ng "I love you Myka Dear." Salamat sa pagkakataong makita ang bitchy side ni Q. Salamat sa pagkakataong mapaiyak si Polina. Salamat sa pagkakataong masermunan at sermunan si Hebs. Salamat sa pagkakataong makitang magkalovelife si Macar. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Aiz na kumain ng nakakamay. Salamat sa pagkakataong maging kampante na si Mau ang papalit sa akin. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Kris na laging kausap ni Chief habang kinikilig. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Kuya Marvin na hanggang tenga ang ngiti sa sobrang kilig. Sana alam nila na kung papipiliin ulit ako, sila pa rin ang mga members na kukunin ko.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging Personnel Chair mo. Salamat sa pagkakataong makilala sina Perv Goddess at Voyeuristic Princess. Salamat sa pagkakataong awayin  si RM at Jimmy. Salamat sa pagkakataong madiscover ang lovelives ni Nino. Salamat sa pagkakataong abusuhin ang sipag ni Thea at Kim. Salamat sa pagkakataong maasar ni Jong at asarin si Roni.  Salamat sa pagkakataong makatrabaho at maging mga tunay na kaibigan ang pinakajeje na BOD. Diba, akala nilang lahat hindi natin kakayanin. Pero akala lang nila yun.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging tunay na kaibigan ang 2 pinakasexy na presidente mo. Sana alam nila kung gaano ko sila namimiss.

Salamat sa pagkakataong makilala at mahalin siya. Sana makahanap siya ng taong mamahalin niya at mamahalin siya ng higit pa.

Salamat sa lahat ng bagay na naituro mo sa akin. Salamat sa pagtitiwala. Salamat sa pagmamahal.  Salamat sa mabubuting kaibigan na natagpuan ko dahil sayo. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat sayo, StatSoc.

losing grip

i'm losing grip again. ang dami kong kailangan gawin pero wala akong ginagawa.

"you will still be here tomorrow but you're dreams may not"

ok. i'm saying that to convince myself. and i'll say it over and over again since i'm pretty much hard-headed.
i must stop thinking about you. MUST. i've done too much thinking this past few days and less of the acting. i must go back to my old busy self. so i'm going to let this all out tonight.

i saw you today. but i dare not get near you in case a friend has had too much ice cream and decided to spill my secret. i feel sad knowing that i will be leaving this place in a few months time and the already limited time i have with you will be drained to its limit. i will miss you. i will miss you as a friend. you've been one of the best i've ever had and i blame myself for complicating that friendship. but there is nothing i can do at this point. so please just promise me you will take care of yourself. Promise me you will conquer all this. Promise me you will not surrender. Please. and when the time comes that God gives us a second chance, i hope we can be at our best selves. not regretting the past because it definitely made us stronger. not regretting the past because it is definitely one of the memories i will treasure forever. not regretting the past without it there will be no present and precisely no future.

let me be inspired by you.

ok.lez go na.

Birthday Surprise

It was a beautiful evening and I was feeling so down again. Good thing nobody noticed because I would surely cry if anyone asked. I was sad because I am tired. I was sad because I feel like I'm killing myself. I was sad because the world seems to contradict my wants, my ideas. I just wanted to work, work to my limits so by then I could rest. The difference between being tired and being sad is that the former has an over-the-counter solution which the latter apparently lacks.

It felt weird smiling all the time when you know deep inside that there was no reason to do so. I was this much depressed. When a friend handed a picture of a certain person to me, i was infuriated. The first thing that popped on my mind was "Did you actually think my whole world revolves around this guy?! What good is a picture if you can't have the real thing?" I was more sulky after that. But then again, the tides turned. I am the worst person to give a surprise to because I always manage to find out (not that i'm trying!) They formed a circle with each holding candles and the next thing I know there was a loud "Happy Birthday" being sung while passers-by curiously look at us. They made me blow 21 candles not once but twice. And, I actually had a cake! A second cake for my birthday! My sadness seemed to drain away. I am very happy not because of the cake or the candles or the party hat but because the people I love were there singing at the top of their lungs that they are happy I was born, that is the best thing in the world. I don't give a damn about the people who don't know or even care if it's my birthday because I already have the ones who matter singing to me. I am happy, very happy.

Now I know that if God were to grant me a post-birthday wish, I would ask that He guide this people and give them the best of health because I don't know what I'd do without them.

And if God so loved me to grant me a second post-birthday wish, I would ask for a day with he-who-must-not-be-named when we could just talk all day without anybody throwing meaningful glances at me and teasing me inside their heads. I find it a great relief to be able to talk to him.

I am expressing this wishes now because God taught me this week that you must be careful what you wish for because you just might get it but you have to be extra careful not wishing for anything because you will get nothing. As goes the old Bible saying "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find." God always knew what i want even before i could put them into words and He gave me exactly that: my friends, my good friends. They are the best birthday gift ever.

birthday fast approaching.....

in less than a week i'd be turning 21. according to the laws of society, by then i could get married without my parents' consent. i am actually excited (not with the opportunity to get married without consent). For me, spending birthdays means being thankful of another year given by God and saying "happy birthday to you " is like saying "i'm glad God gave you one more year to be with me."

i think i won't be asking for anything this year because God always knew how to make my birthday very special. i won't be asking for you. i already gave you up to God. what he wants to do with you, with us is all up to Him. and that goes for you too. they say it takes 21 days to make a habit and counting the number of days i've not seen you would mean i have already acquired the habit of not needing to see you. and i think that's a good thing.

evaluating the year that was for me, i can say that i am proud of myself. i've had so much love and less hate. i've been very open about my feelings. i have less "what -if's", ""i-should-have's" and "why-didn't-i's". more "i-love-you's", i'm-sorry's" and 'thank-you's".

i am happy being 20 and i bet being 21 is a whole lot of fun.

say it again

no need to translate coz my eyes give me away. haaaay. i just told myself it's over. i just told myself i don't feel the same way. but what is this? is it possible to fall in love with a person 3 times? or is it because of the people around us? i don't know. i am confused. but i am happy. it's been a long time since i felt this way. now, i don't want to ask any questions. let me savor the moment. nothing is clear but i have nothing to lose.


i don't know why you have such power over me.
i don't know how you make my eyes speak only of honesty.
i don't know why i can't help but smile when you're around.
i don't know. do i need to know?

maybe...

"i love him. i still love him"

you say it as though you want to convince yourself. i wasn't there to witness your love story perhaps i just read about it somewhere or you just narrated them to me so i may judge wrongly. i may not even have the right to judge in the first place. you may not even read this or even if you do you may not know i'm writing about you. but trust me i'm writing this because i am your friend and because i love you.

maybe you didn't love him that much. forgive this brutal honesty but the sooner you accept it, the sooner you set yourself and him free. when you love a person, you don't need to convince yourself that you do. And you won't stammer when you say "i love you too."  why waste your time on someone you're not sure if you truly love? or to put it bluntly, why waste your time on someone you don't love?

 i think love is something we have to be sure about because we deal with hearts here. something more fragile than sugar glass. something more breakable than a promise.  so be careful. handle yourself with care. and that comes with a please.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

No matter how much I love you I will not tolerate being taken for granted. I won't waste my time and my voice on someone who doesn't even listen. I've given you my time and my best effort. It's time you deserve it. It's time you learn and earn respect. Applicants must learn how to apply. Appreciate it while it's still heaven because hell is just around the corner. Show me you are learning or at least willing to. DON'T MAKE ME TEACH YOU. You'll regret it. I'd rather not have any new members this sem than have 30 people I cannot be proud of. I can't believe I'm saying this. It might hurt you but think of how much it hurts me. Being angry with you and being disappointed with myself at the same time.Don't push me to my limits because at that point I push back. hard.