sadface

everything i wished for not to happen, happened.
what is wrong.
i feel so sad.
everything's not going my way.
what do i do?

i road the tricycle going home with these depressing thoughts in mind.
then these 2 women sat with me.
they started conversing about a column called "Young blood" with an entry entitled "Beer with Jesus"
Then the lady nearest to me gave the gist of the column. She said that the column talked about how we always pursue our dreams, our wants, never really caring what Jesus' dreams are for us.

might be coincidence. but i suddenly paused.
are things not going my way because this is not what God wants for me?
what does He want then?
how am i supposed to know?

5 months to go...

5 months to go, graduation ko na.
ang dami ng nagtatanong kung saan ko nga ba balak magtrabaho. sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam. ayoko pang isipin. gusto ko munang sulitin ang huling mga buwan ng pagiging estudyante, ng pagiging personnel chair :) i have all the time to think about the future but i have only now to think about the present. time flies so fast so i plan to fly with it. ayokong may pagsisihan kaya, pagbubutihin ko. :)

5 months to go, graduation ko na
5 months to go, hindi ko na kailangan magsuot ng student id
5 months to go, wala na akong student discount
5 months to go, lalaya na ako sa isang pangakong binitiwan ko nung grade 1 pa lang ako

how does it feel to be free? how does it feel to hold back nothing? how does it feel to let my feelings flow?
we'll know in 5 months :)

Release Negativity

I know my time is up.

There is a huge difference between "There's a rainbow always after the rain" and "There's always rain before the rainbow".

Sana wag mo naman akong paasahing hindi mo na ako paasahin.

Ang masakit sa pangako, umaasa ka.

You can't always have what you want. Kung ayaw mo ng ganun e di dun ka sa Mars.

Andiyan pero parang wala naman.

Wag mo namang ipamuka saking mali ako dahil pinaglaban kita.

I need you.

Hobby mo bang wag ako replyan?

Is it all in my mind?

WANTED: taong pwedeng maging PLANNER ng buhay ko.

The worst thing about crying is when I start, I just can't stop.

Sana pwede kong sabihin sayong "ikaw,oo,ikaw ang magpapasaya sakin"

I miss home.

hingang malalim

alam mo yung naiinis peero nangingiti, ako yun eh! as in RAWR! RAWR! RAWR!

gusto kong sumigaw, sumigaw, sumigaw, SUMIGAW!

gusto kong magpagulong-gulong, gulong, gulong, GULONG!

hindi ko maintindihan kung anong nararamdaman ko basta ang alam ko lang hindi ako masaya. hindi na ako masaya.

nalulungkot ako....

nalulungkot ako kasi ang komplikado na ng lahat ngayon.

para akong may bola na dati ako lang ang naglalaro pero ngayon marami ng kasali. nung una masaya pero ngayon.....
nagugulat na lang ako, may biglang magpapasa sayo ng di man lang nagsasabi. hindi ko tuloy masalo ng maayos.
hindi ko alam kung kelan ko pa mahahawakan yun ulit. yung ako lang.

call it selfish but some things are better kept to myself only.

pero nangyari na ang mga nangyari
nasabi na ang lahat ng mga nasabi
wala na akong magagawa kundi sabihin sa sarili ko na "ngiti lang. maayos din yan. ngiti lang"

if it were supposed to feel good, they wouldn't call it crush- Jahan

dati hindi ko naiintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng quote na yan pero dati yun. ngayon, intinding-intindi ko na. sigh.

what i learned in school today

• each person is unique
• block what you can and randomize what you can't
• experimentation is an important part of the learning process
• experimentation is iterative
• bago mo isolve ang problema, kailangan naiintindihan mo muna siya
• i am not ready to risk whatever we have now
• Possible objectives of designing experiments
• ganun pa rin ba?
• what if?
• hanggang kailan?
• he's away from you for a while so that he could be with you forever

and if...

and if loving you is all that means to me and being happy is all i'd hope you'd be, then loving you must mean i really have to set you free

ang pinakanakakalungkot sa lahat ay yung nagiging sagabal ka sa mga pangarap ng taong mahal mo. yan ang kinakatakot ko ngayon. kaya naman, go lang. kaya mo yan! siguro cheerleader mo na lang muna ako. mahirap pero kakayanin ko kasi alam ko namang kaya mo. wag na wag kang mawawalan ng tiwala sa sarili mo kasi ang laki ng tiwala ko sayo. at habang kinakaya mo yan, gagawin ko naman ang lahat ng kaya ko para magtagumpay rin. success is sweet but it is sweeter when we taste it together. kaya natin to!

hello 2nd sem!

i cant sleep.

i'm afraid.

but i know fear is only in my head. should i get rid of my head? (that's a joke there.and it's not funny)

i have to adjust my body clock.

i have an 8:30 class. no to late night nothings (like this) anymore.

well, what am i thinking now?

i just read my whole blog again and it's weird reading it from latest to oldest.
but, i'm glad. i remember precisely how i felt while writing those and it makes me laugh.
yes, someday, there will come a point in your life when you will laugh about the things that once made you cry.

i am honestly satisfied with my life now. yes, single and happy and in love. with a very rich and colorful past to look back to, a very hopefully bright future ahead of me and a present full of surprises. yes, that is my life.

in terms of the heart matter, there are two people who colored (and are still coloring?) my life. the first one is the one i've always look up to. i wonder how he is now. part of my "success" in the academic field is because of him. For 2 years in a row, i motivated myself by thinking "he's doing great! you have to do so too.", "you don't want to face him a failure!", "he was able to do it, so why can't i?" then afterwards, it all boiled down to my innate desire to excel (although life will teach you in a hard way that you can't always do that). i am happy for him. i would love to see him fall in love with a deserving girl. i would love to shake his hand thinking "congrats, first love" because, yes, he is my first love. and it is true that first love never dies.

the other one is the person God pointed to when i asked Him for someone to love and someone who will love me. although, now i know, he doesn't feel the same way. it's actually ok and i'm taking it well. i'm thankful for having known him and having spent time with him. he is what you can call an inspiration. he inspires me to do best in what i do. he inspires me do things without regrets. he taught me to stand on my own and not to count on others to make me happy. with him, i can totally say that i have no regrets. i loved him in my own way without holding back anything. that is why, even though he doesn't feel the same way, i am happy.

in addition to that, i am happy because i now have a better connection with the people who maintains my sanity, my friends. i'm glad to be able to talk to them again about lots of things. i really miss them. people come and go but friends, true friends, they always stay. we seem to be so different now. i was afraid of it at first but i realized even though a lot of things have changed between us my love for them remains the same. i may not have made any interesting invention or made a significant contribution to the field of Statistics or made the whole country know my name but i made true friends. i could die happily with that.

this semester will perhaps be my last semester as an undergrad student of UP School of Statistics. i am excited and afraid at the same time. i am excited because i know there are lots of challenges waiting to be conquered and opportunities waiting to be seized. with that, i am afraid of not being able to conquer or to seize them all. this is my last chance to feel the University of the Philippines as a student. i won't let that chance slip by. so let's get it on!

it feels great.

i feel good.

i feel energized.

i feel you.

hello 2nd sem!

no regrets, just love

loving what you do +  loving the people you're working with +  loving the people you're working for = happiness

from now on, i will do everything so that i won't have any regrets. i've been afraid all my life. i think it's about time i give myself a chance. i'm going to smile at every opportunity and hold on tight to those that matter. i will love until it hurts and will hurt until another love. i will quit trying to figure people out. maybe the reason why you can't get them out of your head is that they are meant to stay there. i don't want to wallow in self-pity anymore. i want to bathe in self-love. i know changing is hard but it's harder if i won't even try. i know i've made and broken promises more that you can count with your two hands, but i want to make promises again. maybe, promising also needs practice. the good thing is i have all the time to practice!

**forgiveness is something that is given without any condition, without anything in return (that's why it's for-give).

Should i Stay, Gabrielle

ever experience hearing a certain song and realizing that all of the lyrics are precisely what's in your heart? That has happened to me lots of times. most recently it's should i stay by gabrielle. i think i don't need to elaborate any further. the lyrics say it all. hahaha.

"Should I Stay?"

Here I am, waiting for a sign, I never seem to know
If you want me in your life, where do I stand
I just don't know
I never feel I know you
'Cause you blow hot and you blow cold, it seems I've grown attached
Though we're not the perfect match
I just can't explain

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

I feel your warmth, got me wanting more, you've left the door half open
I'm in two minds to explore, but then again
Am I being honest, being truthful to myself, can I see my life without you
Could I be with someone else
It seems I've grown attached, though we're not the perfect match
I just can't explain

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

It seems I've grown attached
Though we're not the perfect match

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

ways to say i miss you without saying i miss you

• ang tagal na nating hindi nagkikita o nag-uusap
• kamusta na yung alaga niyo?
• magsend ng blank message
• iPM siya ng "hoy!" tapos pag tinanong kung bakit, sagutin mo ng "wala lang"
• i didn't see you today
• may nakasalubong ako kanina, akala ko talaga ikaw yun. muntik ko ng binatukan!

sorry...

maybe we're not healthy for each other anymore.
i was afraid this time would come. so afraid i denied the possibility all this time.
but denial doesn't change the truth.i won't change the fact. it won't lessen the pain either.all it does is prolong the agony. prolong the hurt.

we can never be ready to get hurt. we can only rehearse the scenarios. too bad, scenarios don't always correspond to reality.

even in my imagination, it hurts and it hurts like hell. how much more painful is it in reality?

but if i continue to be stuck here with my imaginations, i won't be able to move on. i won't be able to do anything to move on. and that sucks.

sooner or later, whether i like it or not, reality will have to sink in. and i just have to accept it and the pain that comes with it.