Do I Make You Proud?

endless congratulations...
a long list of well-wishers...

but my heart yearns for the congratulations of that one person who served as my motivation all these years. ever since i started studying, i've worked so hard for the day that she will tell me "i'm proud of you anak." in the end, all success amount to nothing if i knew i didn't make her proud. it's amazing how mere words of a single person can make or break you. i remember crying that night because i did my best and people think i am the best but she still didn't seem satisfied. back then, the awards didn't seem to matter and the idea of graduation didn't excite me at all. all i could think of was "it wasn't enough to make her proud."

now, eight years after, i still have those worries in my heart. i am afraid to ask because i fear the answer. i fear that everything i have done is still not enough. i fear that i no longer have any chance to meet the expectations you set for me. i fear hearing you comparing me with others better than me. i fear hearing you're still not satisfied with who i am and with what i have achieved if there is any.

but not knowing torments me. so here i am, with all i am and all the hardwork and sleepless nights, standing in front you, asking "do i make you proud?"