Life is a Fairytale

I used to doubt that life is one fairytale.

Now I confirmed that it is a fairytale but with action, drama, science fiction, horror and comedy at times. And the prince won't be the only good looking guy you will meet. You will meet gangsters, pranksters, hippies, men in black suits, men with no suits, sports jocks, nerds, geeks and superheroes. And the evil stepsister usual comes with "s", yes, evil stepsisters who can take the form of that perfect girl at school, the miss goody two shoes, the captain of the cheerleaders, the old lady who doesn't care about lines, the sexy lady who decided to ride the train in stilettos and sometimes your own mother. (I love you mom!).

It still has one thing in common though, both has happy endings. And, unlike a fairytale with only one happy ending, in real life, you can have a lot of happy endings. You can have happy endings everyday if you want to. Believe in happy endings because that is the only way you can put up with evil stepsisters and poisoned apples.

Love And Hate Relationship

It was one of those mornings when it takes a lot of self control not to wring someone's neck. I wanted to fill this post with morning rants but I have a better plan.

Remember the saying "The world gives you what you give to the world?" I thought that if I write all about the things that happened this morning that I hate, the world will echo this hate to me. Well, I don't know about you but I don't want more hate in this world. I want love. I want more love.

So, instead of writing:
-I hate (negative thing no. 1)
I will write:
- I love (opposite of negative thing no.1)

Sounds easy right?

Here's my list:
-I love strangers who think of others when riding a jeepney. I love the way they sit properly so that you can be comfortable too.
-I love jeepney drivers who leave the terminal to let other drivers have their share of passengers.
-I love men who use their hands to help old ladies get on the jeepney and not pretend to accidentally touch ladies next to them.
-I love proper and orderly jeepney terminals.
-I love smokers who do not smoke while walking so the person walking behind him will not have smoke all over the face.
-I love a sincere "Good morning."
-I love arriving earlier than expected.

Whew! That felt a lot better. From now on, instead of ranting I will continue with this love and hate relationship.

Happy Friday!

Wordy Wednesday: Slow Motion Drowning

Water up to my throat
Threatening my quivering breaths
Climbing my skin in creepy slow motion
I'm drowning
I'm drowning in slow motion
My legs flail helplessly to gain ground
My arms scream loudly with no sound
My eyes have given up
Raining tears in a suicide attempt
And I ask myself:
Why did I drown myself in this ocean?
If I am the willing victim, who is this damsel whining?
Are the waves worth the cliff jump?
Are you still worth the drowning?
Are you still worth the slow motion drowning?

Tea Bag. Tea Back?

A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Am I in hot water?

Is this my hot water?

I'm so tired.

I feel so tired.

I feel so tired of feeling inadequate

I feel so tired of being unappreciated

I feel so tired of being backstabbed

I feel so tired of those pitiful looks

I feel so tired of deadlines

I feel so tired of feeling so tired.

Is this my hot water?

What am I doing?

Am I giving up?

Am I giving in?

Am I not strong enough?

Well, even teabags have their limit.

Once you've exhausted its essence, no matter how hot the water you put in, it will taste like nothing.

Am I at my limit?

Is this still worth pushing my limit?

Is this still worth it?

Are you still worth it?

I want to tell the person who wrote this this:

If every person who ever got depressed, failed, stressed, pressured and cried gave up, there wouldn't be any Thomas Edison, Michael Jordan or even Steve Jobs.

If all diamonds cracked at the pressure of being carved, there wouldn't be any pretty engagement rings to offer during proposals.

If all mommy dogs shunned the pain of giving birth, there wouldn't be any cute puppies to cuddle.

If all the people who got their hearts broken never loved again, the world would be in a grand state of chaos.

We all have our own pains given according to how much we can take, plus a little bit more so that we can improve.

Pain is good. Pain justifies that you are still alive. Pain justifies that you have the opportunity to feel joy and love.

So, to you, stop all these negativities. Half of it is your own doing. Make things happen. Make good things happen. Never lose sight of your priorities. Enjoy the pain. Joy will come soon after. Aja Myka!

Bottled-up Negativities

It's been over a month since I last posted a blog entry. Busy or maybe I'm just too tired to write. So many things were hapening all at the same time and I can't seem to get a grip of what's happening, it's like everything I'm holding onto is slippang past my fingertips. During that time, a realization dawned on me. I need to write. I need to write to release all these negativites and to share to the world my joys, my happiness. So, prepare yourslef for a month's worth of bottled-up emotions.

I am in a place I have decided to leave as soon as I stepped in. But I'm still here because it's very hard to look for some place else when you can't leave the place you're at. I'm torn between trying to find that place I like, that place where I belong and staying just to prove my worth, to ensure that I will be missed when I'm gone. I'm torn because I know the people I love needs me to stay here just for the sustenance it provides and I can't fail them. All these years, I have been waiting for this time when I can give back to them, when I can take care of them like they took care of me. Once again I remind myself: Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

"I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love." I'll write another blog entry on this. But the gist is "He never really loved me." It hurts. It hurts that I spent so many nights and days thinking and sometimes crying about him only to find out that he never really did care. All these years I was holding on to the thought that maybe he was just tightlipped; that he loves me but because I avoid him, he got discouraged. I was so stupid because all along, I was the only one living on this love story.

I'm constatly having that feeling of wanting to own that universal undo button and I hate it because I tell my friends everytime, " Pinili mo yan. Panindigan mo." It sure is easier said than done.

I have this feeling that my brain is deteriorating. I often feel as in there is a haze covering my brain. It's like it's clouded of some sort. I am having difficulty focusing sometimes and I occasionally forget things that were said to me like 5 miutes ago. I also experience difficulty doing spontaneous calculations and I can't get seem to get the hang of playing a bass drum. It may sound perfectly normal to some but I really am not like that before. I can feel the difference. And I'm afraid. I'm only 21 so I don't think this has anything to do with ageing. I'm scared.

Negativities are bad for your health. It's better if you release them. And ask for positive energies from the Maker of it all.

Dear God,
I know haven't been speaking much to you lately. Inspite of that, you still take time to guide me and give solutions to my problems. Thank you for that. You don't know how much that means to me. After everyone has gone, I know you will still be there. Sorry for the times I stray away from the lessons you teach me.  Please, guide me in this journey. I won't last a second here without you. I am powerless. I am nothing without You.

One Way Do Not Enter

I dreamt of you again...




We were walking close to each other

close enough to hold hands but still far to even try

We were walking uphill towards our friends seated on a table



facing us, they were chattering

and i couldn't help but blush when they said

"bagay talaga sila ano?"



and as a mischievious smile crossed our friend's face, my dream swirled into nothingness



The funny thing about this dream is that i didn't see your face but somehow, i knew it was you.

or i was hoping it was you or i was making myself believe it was you



damn



lagi kitang naiisip

lagi kitang napapanaginipan

lagi akong naghihintay ng text mo

lagi kong iniisip kung anong gagawin mo kung ikaw ang nasa lugar ko

lagi kong iniimagine an makikita kita randomly

lagi, lagi, lagi na lang ikaw



at ang nakakainis sa lahat ng ito...



hindi mo naman ako iniisip

hindi mo naman ako napapanaginipan

hindi ka naman naghihintay ng text ko

hindi mo naman iniisip kung anong gagawin ko kung akoa ng nasa lugar mo

hindi mo naman iniimagine na makikita mo ako randomly

hindi, ni minsan, hindi naman naging ako



sabi ko dati, ok lang kahit hindi mo ako mahal basta ikaw mahal ko.

pero nakakapagod din pala ang lagi na lang ako ang nagbibigay, lagi na lang ako ang nagmamahal

gusto ko rin namang maging selfish minsan and demand the love i deserve



at sa pag-eemo kong ito, may background music "Adele: Melt My Heart to Stone"



And I hear your words that I made up

You say my name like there could be an us

I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love



I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

Ilang beses ko kaya dapat ulitin ito sa sarili ko para matauhan ako?



I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love



Well, at least, I'm in love. That must mean I'm capable of loving. And the ability to love guarrantees us that we are humans

That must mean, I'm a human! And if I could love this much, maybe, someday, I'll be loved as much.



At kung sino ka man out there somewhere na itinadhana ni Lord para sa akin, if you're reading this, don't worry.

I promise to keep my heart whole for you <3



(soooobrang cheeeeesy na ng dapat emo post!)



TATA

Low Bow

Para kang lobong unti-unting dumudulas sa kamay ko

Gustuhin ko mang hawakan ka habambuhay

Wala akong karapatang pigilan ang pag-angat mo

para kang lobong unit-unting dumudulas sa kamay ko

Darating ang panahon, mauubos rin ang tali

Darating ang panahon, di na kita maabot

Para kang lobong dumudulas sa kamay ko

Hinahayaan mo lang akong hayaan kang lumayo

tomorrow is another day

ang daming nakaklungkot na pangyayari nitong mga nakaraang linggo. pero hindi ko naman pwedeng itigil ang buhay ko dahil lang nalulungkot ako. naisip ko mas malulungkot ako kung iisipin ko ang mga bagay na nagpapalungkot sakin.kaya naman ngayon, manganagako ako sa sarili ko. hanggang ngayong gabi na lang ako magiging malungkot at maawa sa sarili ko. hanggang ngayong gabi na lang ang mga luhang ito.bukas.....

• aayusin ko na ang pamana ko kay mau
• i will list down ways to improve myself in all aspects
• babasahin ko ulit yung he's just not that into you
• i will smile more
• i will write more about my feelings. mas madaling mag let go pag naisulat mo na.
• hahanapin ko na ang "the one"
• aayusin ko na ang planner ko
• magiging ok na ako
• hindi ko na yun gagawin ulit at pag hindi ko ginawa i will reward myself with ice cream

kaya mo yan myka! pwede ba namang hindi? AJA! AJA!

not anymore

i used to involuntarily hold my breath when you're around
i used to skip a heart beat when you're on line
i used to be extra clumsy when i hear you coming
i used to stand in awe when i see you smiling
i used to have this tingles on my spine
i used to wish you were mine

but yes, not this time
not this time anymore
not anymore

i guess my love for you died a natural death

moving on

I made a deal with God

Just like what I did a year and a month ago

If you arrive then you will know and will know it all

But if you don't, you will never ever

The deal was 5 minutes after I finish writing my words

I waited. Waited until the time was up.

And even way beyond it.

Everytime the door creaks open, I turn

Wishing every stranger to be you

It was impossible for you to come

But the impossible is impossible if God wills it

So out of faith and love

I clutched that tissue paper drenched in purple

Now my heart and my feelings as fragile as it

I was ready to wait forever

But waiting has to end

God said the time is up

my words written in a tissue paper

i was prepared to tell you but you never came

and as this tissue paper now dissolves in the water

so is my love. so are my feelings

i am now prepared to let you go

because now i know and now for sure

we were never destined for a "forever after"

As I leave, I left that tissue paper

And along with it, my love for you

Although smeared by the choices I made

I tell you it is real. It was real

And yes, it is sad moving on from something that was real

Yes, it is sad but I am not hurting

I am no longer hurting

In fact, I am moving

Moving on.

Magical Moment < 3

Alam kong cheesy pero kailangan mo na talagang malaman. Aalis na ako kaya huling pagkakataon ko na para sabihin sayo ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Mahal kita noon pa pero maniniwala ka ba kung sasabihin kong mas mahal kita ngayon? Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin. Magmumukha naman akong tanga nun kaya pinaramdam ko na lang. Sana naman  naramdaman mo diba? I love you so much I cannot even speak of its length or breadth or depth. I never thought I could love someone like this but then again I thought wrong. Dahil sayo, lagi na akong may katext at hindi ko na kailangan magforward ng quotes para masulit ang unli ko. Dahil sayo nagkaroon ako ng tapang. Dahil sayo mas naintindihan ko ang sarili ko. Dahil sayo naging mas mabuti akong tao. Dahil sayo, wala na akong pakialam sa sasabihin nila. Basta masaya ka. Basta kasama kita. 

Pero hindi rin naging madali ang ipakita sayo na mahal kita. Maraming beses na rin akong umiyak dahil sayo. Maraming beses na naiinis ako kasi hindi ko maiwasang hindi ka isipin kahit marami akong ginagawa sa acads. Maraming beses na naiiyak na lang ako sa sobrang pagod. Maraming beses na nahihilo na ako sa sobrang puyat. Maraming beses na rin na ginusto ko ng isuko ang lahat ng ito. Pero sa tuwing nakikita kitang nakangiti, nakatawa at masaya, nalulusaw lahat ng paghihirap. Nawawala lahat ng lungkot. Biglang ok na ako ulit.

Sabi ng mga magulang ko, nakasama ka raw sa akin. Nalulungkot ako. Nalulungkot ako kasi hindi nila makita kung gaano ako naging isang mabuting tao dahil sayo, kung gaano ako naging matatag dahil sayo. My best has always been because of you.

Sana sa pag-alis ko maging ok ka pa rin. Sana malampasan mo ang mga sarili mong expectations. Magkakalayo na tayo pero di naman ako mawawala. Pangako yan. Tawag ka lang pag kailangan mo ko. Alam mo namang hindi kita matitiis.

Sa panghuli, gusto kong magpasalamat sayo.  Salamat sa pagkakataong magkaroon tayo ng “babies” at “mga bunso.” Sana alam nila kung gaano ko sila kamahal.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging "Best Member" si Demae. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Canter na kinikilig. Salamat sa pagkakataong magpuyat kasama ni Gelli. Salamat sa pagkakataong masabihan ni Kat ng "I love you Myka Dear." Salamat sa pagkakataong makita ang bitchy side ni Q. Salamat sa pagkakataong mapaiyak si Polina. Salamat sa pagkakataong masermunan at sermunan si Hebs. Salamat sa pagkakataong makitang magkalovelife si Macar. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Aiz na kumain ng nakakamay. Salamat sa pagkakataong maging kampante na si Mau ang papalit sa akin. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Kris na laging kausap ni Chief habang kinikilig. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Kuya Marvin na hanggang tenga ang ngiti sa sobrang kilig. Sana alam nila na kung papipiliin ulit ako, sila pa rin ang mga members na kukunin ko.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging Personnel Chair mo. Salamat sa pagkakataong makilala sina Perv Goddess at Voyeuristic Princess. Salamat sa pagkakataong awayin  si RM at Jimmy. Salamat sa pagkakataong madiscover ang lovelives ni Nino. Salamat sa pagkakataong abusuhin ang sipag ni Thea at Kim. Salamat sa pagkakataong maasar ni Jong at asarin si Roni.  Salamat sa pagkakataong makatrabaho at maging mga tunay na kaibigan ang pinakajeje na BOD. Diba, akala nilang lahat hindi natin kakayanin. Pero akala lang nila yun.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging tunay na kaibigan ang 2 pinakasexy na presidente mo. Sana alam nila kung gaano ko sila namimiss.

Salamat sa pagkakataong makilala at mahalin siya. Sana makahanap siya ng taong mamahalin niya at mamahalin siya ng higit pa.

Salamat sa lahat ng bagay na naituro mo sa akin. Salamat sa pagtitiwala. Salamat sa pagmamahal.  Salamat sa mabubuting kaibigan na natagpuan ko dahil sayo. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat sayo, StatSoc.

Birthday Surprise

It was a beautiful evening and I was feeling so down again. Good thing nobody noticed because I would surely cry if anyone asked. I was sad because I am tired. I was sad because I feel like I'm killing myself. I was sad because the world seems to contradict my wants, my ideas. I just wanted to work, work to my limits so by then I could rest. The difference between being tired and being sad is that the former has an over-the-counter solution which the latter apparently lacks.

It felt weird smiling all the time when you know deep inside that there was no reason to do so. I was this much depressed. When a friend handed a picture of a certain person to me, i was infuriated. The first thing that popped on my mind was "Did you actually think my whole world revolves around this guy?! What good is a picture if you can't have the real thing?" I was more sulky after that. But then again, the tides turned. I am the worst person to give a surprise to because I always manage to find out (not that i'm trying!) They formed a circle with each holding candles and the next thing I know there was a loud "Happy Birthday" being sung while passers-by curiously look at us. They made me blow 21 candles not once but twice. And, I actually had a cake! A second cake for my birthday! My sadness seemed to drain away. I am very happy not because of the cake or the candles or the party hat but because the people I love were there singing at the top of their lungs that they are happy I was born, that is the best thing in the world. I don't give a damn about the people who don't know or even care if it's my birthday because I already have the ones who matter singing to me. I am happy, very happy.

Now I know that if God were to grant me a post-birthday wish, I would ask that He guide this people and give them the best of health because I don't know what I'd do without them.

And if God so loved me to grant me a second post-birthday wish, I would ask for a day with he-who-must-not-be-named when we could just talk all day without anybody throwing meaningful glances at me and teasing me inside their heads. I find it a great relief to be able to talk to him.

I am expressing this wishes now because God taught me this week that you must be careful what you wish for because you just might get it but you have to be extra careful not wishing for anything because you will get nothing. As goes the old Bible saying "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find." God always knew what i want even before i could put them into words and He gave me exactly that: my friends, my good friends. They are the best birthday gift ever.

say it again

no need to translate coz my eyes give me away. haaaay. i just told myself it's over. i just told myself i don't feel the same way. but what is this? is it possible to fall in love with a person 3 times? or is it because of the people around us? i don't know. i am confused. but i am happy. it's been a long time since i felt this way. now, i don't want to ask any questions. let me savor the moment. nothing is clear but i have nothing to lose.


i don't know why you have such power over me.
i don't know how you make my eyes speak only of honesty.
i don't know why i can't help but smile when you're around.
i don't know. do i need to know?

Proud StatSocer

ang saya-saya ko. perhaps, throughout my entire lifetime, this is the day when i said the most number of  i love you's. i never say it unless i mean it. but today in StatSoc's bonding activity, it just flowed out of me. The activity wasn't anywhere near perfect. magulo. maingay. but it's the people, the StatSocers who made it a success. akala ko hindi ako iiyak kasi sobrang masaya ako. but i was wrong. i realized that the more i am happy the more i shed tears. i share my smile with only the most special people but i share my tears with only the most special of those special people. it feels so good to not hold back anything. it feels so good to be totally honest with the people that matter so much, with the people closest to my heart. i realized that i love who i've become because maybe if i hadn't been me, i wouldn't meet these wonderful people or maybe it's the other way around, because i met these wonderful people, i have become who i am and i am not ashamed of that.

nalulungkot ako para sa mga taong hindi naging StatSoc, mga taong hindi nararamdaman ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. we're not a perfect organization because we're not just an organization, we're a family. sa mga taong ayaw magStatSoc, kebs ko sa inyong lahat. You may be happy now but you're missing the chance to be happier. and that is not an overstatement.

sana maging mas masaya pa ang StatSoc! Stat WHAT???????

officially missing you...

You were not here today. Just like the other day and the day before that. Where are you? Why the sudden disappearance? Is something wrong? I can't help but ask questions. Will they ever be answered? (UGH! Even that is a question!) Because you are not here to answer them and in my normal sober mode, I cannot have the courage to ask. I feel sad. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, it makes the heart grow tired. And now I must say I am tired. I am tired of asking questions. I am tired of figuring you out. I am tired of waiting.

I feel like I lost an old friend. I miss you not anymore as my object of affection but as  one of my most valued friends.  I just want my friend back. I won't be here any longer. You can count with the fingers of one hand the number of months until I'm gone. I just want to spend that remaining time having fun with my friends. But it seems wanting something more than friendship has driven you away from me. So, if you don't want to be my object of affection then so be it. Maybe we're better off as friends. Yeah, just friends. 

on/off

greatest turn-ons

• marunong makinig
• very gentleman
• nice sense of humor
• has strong faith
• talented
• smart
• holistic
• good family relations

greatest turn-offs

• feeling gwapo hindi naman
• sadyang pagpapaselos
• sinungaling
• torpeng mayabang
• paasa

so pano ba yan, pareho kang meron ng lahat ng yan? amp.

:(

ang pakiramdam ko ngayon parang tumatalon ang puso ko mula ribcage hanggang tyan.

para siyang malalaglag anytime...

Mcdo

amoy chicken fillet na ko.

lasang coke float na ang laway ko.

highblood na ako sa kakakain ng french fries.

pero nasa mcdo ako ngayon.

kasi baka ngayong gabi, magkatotoo na yung eksenang ilang milyong beses ko ng pinaulit ulit sa utak ko.

tama.baka ito na yung gabing yun.

ngalay na ang leeg ko sa kakalingon sa pinto.

naghihinala na sakin yung mama sa labas kasi kanina pa ko tingin ng tingin.

pero hindi pa rin ako umaalis kasi hobby ko to.

hobby ko na ngayon ang maghintay sayo.

The 1st

You’re the 1st person who made me write all these stuff
The 1st one who paired my tear with a laugh
You’re the 1st person who caused my tears to blush
The very 1st one who caused my adrenaline rush

You’re the very 1st reason of my long blank stares
The very 1st reason of my smiles in midair
The 1st trigger of the electric shock down my spine
The 1st person that my eyes search for all the time

You’re the 1st person who made me forget what I just said
The 1st one to make me lie awake in my bed
You’re the very 1st person I have ever loved
Still, you’re the 1st pterson who broke my heart.