Life is a Fairytale

I used to doubt that life is one fairytale.

Now I confirmed that it is a fairytale but with action, drama, science fiction, horror and comedy at times. And the prince won't be the only good looking guy you will meet. You will meet gangsters, pranksters, hippies, men in black suits, men with no suits, sports jocks, nerds, geeks and superheroes. And the evil stepsister usual comes with "s", yes, evil stepsisters who can take the form of that perfect girl at school, the miss goody two shoes, the captain of the cheerleaders, the old lady who doesn't care about lines, the sexy lady who decided to ride the train in stilettos and sometimes your own mother. (I love you mom!).

It still has one thing in common though, both has happy endings. And, unlike a fairytale with only one happy ending, in real life, you can have a lot of happy endings. You can have happy endings everyday if you want to. Believe in happy endings because that is the only way you can put up with evil stepsisters and poisoned apples.

Wordy Wednesday: Slow Motion Drowning

Water up to my throat
Threatening my quivering breaths
Climbing my skin in creepy slow motion
I'm drowning
I'm drowning in slow motion
My legs flail helplessly to gain ground
My arms scream loudly with no sound
My eyes have given up
Raining tears in a suicide attempt
And I ask myself:
Why did I drown myself in this ocean?
If I am the willing victim, who is this damsel whining?
Are the waves worth the cliff jump?
Are you still worth the drowning?
Are you still worth the slow motion drowning?

Tea Bag. Tea Back?

A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Am I in hot water?

Is this my hot water?

I'm so tired.

I feel so tired.

I feel so tired of feeling inadequate

I feel so tired of being unappreciated

I feel so tired of being backstabbed

I feel so tired of those pitiful looks

I feel so tired of deadlines

I feel so tired of feeling so tired.

Is this my hot water?

What am I doing?

Am I giving up?

Am I giving in?

Am I not strong enough?

Well, even teabags have their limit.

Once you've exhausted its essence, no matter how hot the water you put in, it will taste like nothing.

Am I at my limit?

Is this still worth pushing my limit?

Is this still worth it?

Are you still worth it?

I want to tell the person who wrote this this:

If every person who ever got depressed, failed, stressed, pressured and cried gave up, there wouldn't be any Thomas Edison, Michael Jordan or even Steve Jobs.

If all diamonds cracked at the pressure of being carved, there wouldn't be any pretty engagement rings to offer during proposals.

If all mommy dogs shunned the pain of giving birth, there wouldn't be any cute puppies to cuddle.

If all the people who got their hearts broken never loved again, the world would be in a grand state of chaos.

We all have our own pains given according to how much we can take, plus a little bit more so that we can improve.

Pain is good. Pain justifies that you are still alive. Pain justifies that you have the opportunity to feel joy and love.

So, to you, stop all these negativities. Half of it is your own doing. Make things happen. Make good things happen. Never lose sight of your priorities. Enjoy the pain. Joy will come soon after. Aja Myka!

Bottled-up Negativities

It's been over a month since I last posted a blog entry. Busy or maybe I'm just too tired to write. So many things were hapening all at the same time and I can't seem to get a grip of what's happening, it's like everything I'm holding onto is slippang past my fingertips. During that time, a realization dawned on me. I need to write. I need to write to release all these negativites and to share to the world my joys, my happiness. So, prepare yourslef for a month's worth of bottled-up emotions.

I am in a place I have decided to leave as soon as I stepped in. But I'm still here because it's very hard to look for some place else when you can't leave the place you're at. I'm torn between trying to find that place I like, that place where I belong and staying just to prove my worth, to ensure that I will be missed when I'm gone. I'm torn because I know the people I love needs me to stay here just for the sustenance it provides and I can't fail them. All these years, I have been waiting for this time when I can give back to them, when I can take care of them like they took care of me. Once again I remind myself: Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

"I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love." I'll write another blog entry on this. But the gist is "He never really loved me." It hurts. It hurts that I spent so many nights and days thinking and sometimes crying about him only to find out that he never really did care. All these years I was holding on to the thought that maybe he was just tightlipped; that he loves me but because I avoid him, he got discouraged. I was so stupid because all along, I was the only one living on this love story.

I'm constatly having that feeling of wanting to own that universal undo button and I hate it because I tell my friends everytime, " Pinili mo yan. Panindigan mo." It sure is easier said than done.

I have this feeling that my brain is deteriorating. I often feel as in there is a haze covering my brain. It's like it's clouded of some sort. I am having difficulty focusing sometimes and I occasionally forget things that were said to me like 5 miutes ago. I also experience difficulty doing spontaneous calculations and I can't get seem to get the hang of playing a bass drum. It may sound perfectly normal to some but I really am not like that before. I can feel the difference. And I'm afraid. I'm only 21 so I don't think this has anything to do with ageing. I'm scared.

Negativities are bad for your health. It's better if you release them. And ask for positive energies from the Maker of it all.

Dear God,
I know haven't been speaking much to you lately. Inspite of that, you still take time to guide me and give solutions to my problems. Thank you for that. You don't know how much that means to me. After everyone has gone, I know you will still be there. Sorry for the times I stray away from the lessons you teach me.  Please, guide me in this journey. I won't last a second here without you. I am powerless. I am nothing without You.

One Way Do Not Enter

I dreamt of you again...




We were walking close to each other

close enough to hold hands but still far to even try

We were walking uphill towards our friends seated on a table



facing us, they were chattering

and i couldn't help but blush when they said

"bagay talaga sila ano?"



and as a mischievious smile crossed our friend's face, my dream swirled into nothingness



The funny thing about this dream is that i didn't see your face but somehow, i knew it was you.

or i was hoping it was you or i was making myself believe it was you



damn



lagi kitang naiisip

lagi kitang napapanaginipan

lagi akong naghihintay ng text mo

lagi kong iniisip kung anong gagawin mo kung ikaw ang nasa lugar ko

lagi kong iniimagine an makikita kita randomly

lagi, lagi, lagi na lang ikaw



at ang nakakainis sa lahat ng ito...



hindi mo naman ako iniisip

hindi mo naman ako napapanaginipan

hindi ka naman naghihintay ng text ko

hindi mo naman iniisip kung anong gagawin ko kung akoa ng nasa lugar mo

hindi mo naman iniimagine na makikita mo ako randomly

hindi, ni minsan, hindi naman naging ako



sabi ko dati, ok lang kahit hindi mo ako mahal basta ikaw mahal ko.

pero nakakapagod din pala ang lagi na lang ako ang nagbibigay, lagi na lang ako ang nagmamahal

gusto ko rin namang maging selfish minsan and demand the love i deserve



at sa pag-eemo kong ito, may background music "Adele: Melt My Heart to Stone"



And I hear your words that I made up

You say my name like there could be an us

I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love



I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

Ilang beses ko kaya dapat ulitin ito sa sarili ko para matauhan ako?



I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love



Well, at least, I'm in love. That must mean I'm capable of loving. And the ability to love guarrantees us that we are humans

That must mean, I'm a human! And if I could love this much, maybe, someday, I'll be loved as much.



At kung sino ka man out there somewhere na itinadhana ni Lord para sa akin, if you're reading this, don't worry.

I promise to keep my heart whole for you <3



(soooobrang cheeeeesy na ng dapat emo post!)



TATA

Do I Make You Proud?

endless congratulations...
a long list of well-wishers...

but my heart yearns for the congratulations of that one person who served as my motivation all these years. ever since i started studying, i've worked so hard for the day that she will tell me "i'm proud of you anak." in the end, all success amount to nothing if i knew i didn't make her proud. it's amazing how mere words of a single person can make or break you. i remember crying that night because i did my best and people think i am the best but she still didn't seem satisfied. back then, the awards didn't seem to matter and the idea of graduation didn't excite me at all. all i could think of was "it wasn't enough to make her proud."

now, eight years after, i still have those worries in my heart. i am afraid to ask because i fear the answer. i fear that everything i have done is still not enough. i fear that i no longer have any chance to meet the expectations you set for me. i fear hearing you comparing me with others better than me. i fear hearing you're still not satisfied with who i am and with what i have achieved if there is any.

but not knowing torments me. so here i am, with all i am and all the hardwork and sleepless nights, standing in front you, asking "do i make you proud?"

huli ka!

alas dos ng umaga buhay na buhay pa
kay daming gagawin pag gising na sila
walang kausap, walang kasama
lumilipad ang isip patungong EDSA

biglang nahuli ko na lang ang sarili ko
humihiling, sumasamo
sana andito ka sa tabi ko
sana nakikita ko ang puyat na ngiti mo

ito yung mga panahong hinhiniling kong sana nandito ka
sana hindi naging komplikado ang mundong ginagalawan nating dalawa
sana kayang ayusin ng mundo ang mga problema niya
para may oras tayo sa isa't-isa

sana ngayon ikaw ang kapeng pampagising ko
sana tumatawa ako ng mag-isa sa mga hirit mo
sana madali kong natatapos ang gawain ko
kasi sa totoo lang, inspirado ako

ito yung mga panahong sana kasama kita
sana malapit ka kahit malayo naman talaga
sana wala tayong  mga problema
basta ikaw lang si .... at ako lang si Myka

inaamin kong di ko na dapat naiisip ito
kasi pinalaya ko na ang sarili ko sayo
pero maitatanggi ko ba ang totoo
na sa oras na ito, ikaw lang ang kailangan ko?

A wish came true

He smiled at me this afternoon.

HE SMILED AAAAAAAAAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 

and i was so overwhelmed i tried to smile but i ended up looking like my tooth aches. I am such a failure. That was my only chance to offer you my best smile! UGH! I feel like a highschool student meeting her first crush along a corridor. UGH! Confidence? Where is my confidence!?

why does your smile have to be that beautiful? all i was able to do was stand in awe.

5 months to go...

5 months to go, graduation ko na.
ang dami ng nagtatanong kung saan ko nga ba balak magtrabaho. sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam. ayoko pang isipin. gusto ko munang sulitin ang huling mga buwan ng pagiging estudyante, ng pagiging personnel chair :) i have all the time to think about the future but i have only now to think about the present. time flies so fast so i plan to fly with it. ayokong may pagsisihan kaya, pagbubutihin ko. :)

5 months to go, graduation ko na
5 months to go, hindi ko na kailangan magsuot ng student id
5 months to go, wala na akong student discount
5 months to go, lalaya na ako sa isang pangakong binitiwan ko nung grade 1 pa lang ako

how does it feel to be free? how does it feel to hold back nothing? how does it feel to let my feelings flow?
we'll know in 5 months :)

hingang malalim

alam mo yung naiinis peero nangingiti, ako yun eh! as in RAWR! RAWR! RAWR!

gusto kong sumigaw, sumigaw, sumigaw, SUMIGAW!

gusto kong magpagulong-gulong, gulong, gulong, GULONG!

hindi ko maintindihan kung anong nararamdaman ko basta ang alam ko lang hindi ako masaya. hindi na ako masaya.

nalulungkot ako....

nalulungkot ako kasi ang komplikado na ng lahat ngayon.

para akong may bola na dati ako lang ang naglalaro pero ngayon marami ng kasali. nung una masaya pero ngayon.....
nagugulat na lang ako, may biglang magpapasa sayo ng di man lang nagsasabi. hindi ko tuloy masalo ng maayos.
hindi ko alam kung kelan ko pa mahahawakan yun ulit. yung ako lang.

call it selfish but some things are better kept to myself only.

pero nangyari na ang mga nangyari
nasabi na ang lahat ng mga nasabi
wala na akong magagawa kundi sabihin sa sarili ko na "ngiti lang. maayos din yan. ngiti lang"

if it were supposed to feel good, they wouldn't call it crush- Jahan

dati hindi ko naiintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng quote na yan pero dati yun. ngayon, intinding-intindi ko na. sigh.

hello 2nd sem!

i cant sleep.

i'm afraid.

but i know fear is only in my head. should i get rid of my head? (that's a joke there.and it's not funny)

i have to adjust my body clock.

i have an 8:30 class. no to late night nothings (like this) anymore.

well, what am i thinking now?

i just read my whole blog again and it's weird reading it from latest to oldest.
but, i'm glad. i remember precisely how i felt while writing those and it makes me laugh.
yes, someday, there will come a point in your life when you will laugh about the things that once made you cry.

i am honestly satisfied with my life now. yes, single and happy and in love. with a very rich and colorful past to look back to, a very hopefully bright future ahead of me and a present full of surprises. yes, that is my life.

in terms of the heart matter, there are two people who colored (and are still coloring?) my life. the first one is the one i've always look up to. i wonder how he is now. part of my "success" in the academic field is because of him. For 2 years in a row, i motivated myself by thinking "he's doing great! you have to do so too.", "you don't want to face him a failure!", "he was able to do it, so why can't i?" then afterwards, it all boiled down to my innate desire to excel (although life will teach you in a hard way that you can't always do that). i am happy for him. i would love to see him fall in love with a deserving girl. i would love to shake his hand thinking "congrats, first love" because, yes, he is my first love. and it is true that first love never dies.

the other one is the person God pointed to when i asked Him for someone to love and someone who will love me. although, now i know, he doesn't feel the same way. it's actually ok and i'm taking it well. i'm thankful for having known him and having spent time with him. he is what you can call an inspiration. he inspires me to do best in what i do. he inspires me do things without regrets. he taught me to stand on my own and not to count on others to make me happy. with him, i can totally say that i have no regrets. i loved him in my own way without holding back anything. that is why, even though he doesn't feel the same way, i am happy.

in addition to that, i am happy because i now have a better connection with the people who maintains my sanity, my friends. i'm glad to be able to talk to them again about lots of things. i really miss them. people come and go but friends, true friends, they always stay. we seem to be so different now. i was afraid of it at first but i realized even though a lot of things have changed between us my love for them remains the same. i may not have made any interesting invention or made a significant contribution to the field of Statistics or made the whole country know my name but i made true friends. i could die happily with that.

this semester will perhaps be my last semester as an undergrad student of UP School of Statistics. i am excited and afraid at the same time. i am excited because i know there are lots of challenges waiting to be conquered and opportunities waiting to be seized. with that, i am afraid of not being able to conquer or to seize them all. this is my last chance to feel the University of the Philippines as a student. i won't let that chance slip by. so let's get it on!

it feels great.

i feel good.

i feel energized.

i feel you.

hello 2nd sem!

Confessions...ko

Well, I’m wondering why I’m still up. I should be sleeping by now. My eye bags are getting darker and bigger. But maybe the sleep fairy forgot to visit me.
Something inside me hurts right now. I feel so heavy inside. And I caught myself rehearsing what I could have said that day. Alam kong hindi ko na maibabalik yung araw na yun or even those that I have let pass me by. But here I am imagining what could have happened if I said “ Kailangan mo ba ng kausap o gusto mong mag-isa?” Silly me. My tears are preparing to fall again but I hold them back. I hold them back like I usually do. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagdadrama ngayong gabi. Maybe because every song that radio station plays reminds me of you. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko maamin sa sarili kong minahal kita kaya siguro hindi ko rin malaman kung hanggang ngayon mahal pa rin kita. It’s just that when you’re out of my sight I regret the things I didn’t do to get closer to you but whenever you’re near my mind says “eeew.” Ang yabang-yabang ko pero heto naman ako hindi makatulog. I don’t know if you are the reason why there’s no one new in my life or the other way around na dahil walang bago sa buhay ko, I stick with you. I don’t know if I love you or I love the thought of loving you. I want to say that I’m really sorry but I don’t want to elaborate why I am sorry. Nagdadrama ako ngayon but I’m sure I will do everything para hindi niya mabasa ito. Am I really in love or is my brain just searching for things to occupy my mind habang sembreak? I can’t find anything to justify that I love him but also, I can’t find things to disprove it. Hindi ko lang siguro talaga matanggap sa sarili ko kung ano yung mga nararamdaman ko. But why? I’m so stupid. Maybe I’m still so immature.
Nakakalimutan ko ang mga bagay na ito when I’m at school but when I’m all alone, these things fill me. Regrets flow in again. I don’t even know where those regrets came from. I don’t know if they are caused by something real or they are just products of nerve actions in my brain. I don’t know if my heart really hurts or my cholesterol level just got higher. I don’t know. Wish I could open up my chest and just read what’s inside or I hope my body can explain to me what’s happening to her parts. I don’t know why I’m like this.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I guess my feelings aren’t as easy to read as a book na kahit ako hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko. It’s like I’m staring at a blank paper. I can’t see anything but I know it’s full of things I have to realize. It’s like a population with very heterogeneous characteristics that you cannot draw a valid sample to represent it. You have study every element but that’s crazy. I’m crazy. I hope it’s just another data set so I can compute for the correlation but again it’s crazy. I’m crazy.

Please don’t think too much about this. REMEMBER: I’m crazy. Mukha na akong tanga kaya matutulog na ako.