Well, I’m wondering why I’m still up. I should be sleeping by now. My eye bags are getting darker and bigger. But maybe the sleep fairy forgot to visit me.
Something inside me hurts right now. I feel so heavy inside. And I caught myself rehearsing what I could have said that day. Alam kong hindi ko na maibabalik yung araw na yun or even those that I have let pass me by. But here I am imagining what could have happened if I said “ Kailangan mo ba ng kausap o gusto mong mag-isa?” Silly me. My tears are preparing to fall again but I hold them back. I hold them back like I usually do. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagdadrama ngayong gabi. Maybe because every song that radio station plays reminds me of you. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko maamin sa sarili kong minahal kita kaya siguro hindi ko rin malaman kung hanggang ngayon mahal pa rin kita. It’s just that when you’re out of my sight I regret the things I didn’t do to get closer to you but whenever you’re near my mind says “eeew.” Ang yabang-yabang ko pero heto naman ako hindi makatulog. I don’t know if you are the reason why there’s no one new in my life or the other way around na dahil walang bago sa buhay ko, I stick with you. I don’t know if I love you or I love the thought of loving you. I want to say that I’m really sorry but I don’t want to elaborate why I am sorry. Nagdadrama ako ngayon but I’m sure I will do everything para hindi niya mabasa ito. Am I really in love or is my brain just searching for things to occupy my mind habang sembreak? I can’t find anything to justify that I love him but also, I can’t find things to disprove it. Hindi ko lang siguro talaga matanggap sa sarili ko kung ano yung mga nararamdaman ko. But why? I’m so stupid. Maybe I’m still so immature.
Nakakalimutan ko ang mga bagay na ito when I’m at school but when I’m all alone, these things fill me. Regrets flow in again. I don’t even know where those regrets came from. I don’t know if they are caused by something real or they are just products of nerve actions in my brain. I don’t know if my heart really hurts or my cholesterol level just got higher. I don’t know. Wish I could open up my chest and just read what’s inside or I hope my body can explain to me what’s happening to her parts. I don’t know why I’m like this.
I don’t know. I really don’t. I guess my feelings aren’t as easy to read as a book na kahit ako hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko. It’s like I’m staring at a blank paper. I can’t see anything but I know it’s full of things I have to realize. It’s like a population with very heterogeneous characteristics that you cannot draw a valid sample to represent it. You have study every element but that’s crazy. I’m crazy. I hope it’s just another data set so I can compute for the correlation but again it’s crazy. I’m crazy.
Please don’t think too much about this. REMEMBER: I’m crazy. Mukha na akong tanga kaya matutulog na ako.
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