Tea Bag. Tea Back?

A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Am I in hot water?

Is this my hot water?

I'm so tired.

I feel so tired.

I feel so tired of feeling inadequate

I feel so tired of being unappreciated

I feel so tired of being backstabbed

I feel so tired of those pitiful looks

I feel so tired of deadlines

I feel so tired of feeling so tired.

Is this my hot water?

What am I doing?

Am I giving up?

Am I giving in?

Am I not strong enough?

Well, even teabags have their limit.

Once you've exhausted its essence, no matter how hot the water you put in, it will taste like nothing.

Am I at my limit?

Is this still worth pushing my limit?

Is this still worth it?

Are you still worth it?

I want to tell the person who wrote this this:

If every person who ever got depressed, failed, stressed, pressured and cried gave up, there wouldn't be any Thomas Edison, Michael Jordan or even Steve Jobs.

If all diamonds cracked at the pressure of being carved, there wouldn't be any pretty engagement rings to offer during proposals.

If all mommy dogs shunned the pain of giving birth, there wouldn't be any cute puppies to cuddle.

If all the people who got their hearts broken never loved again, the world would be in a grand state of chaos.

We all have our own pains given according to how much we can take, plus a little bit more so that we can improve.

Pain is good. Pain justifies that you are still alive. Pain justifies that you have the opportunity to feel joy and love.

So, to you, stop all these negativities. Half of it is your own doing. Make things happen. Make good things happen. Never lose sight of your priorities. Enjoy the pain. Joy will come soon after. Aja Myka!

sadface

everything i wished for not to happen, happened.
what is wrong.
i feel so sad.
everything's not going my way.
what do i do?

i road the tricycle going home with these depressing thoughts in mind.
then these 2 women sat with me.
they started conversing about a column called "Young blood" with an entry entitled "Beer with Jesus"
Then the lady nearest to me gave the gist of the column. She said that the column talked about how we always pursue our dreams, our wants, never really caring what Jesus' dreams are for us.

might be coincidence. but i suddenly paused.
are things not going my way because this is not what God wants for me?
what does He want then?
how am i supposed to know?

sorry...

maybe we're not healthy for each other anymore.
i was afraid this time would come. so afraid i denied the possibility all this time.
but denial doesn't change the truth.i won't change the fact. it won't lessen the pain either.all it does is prolong the agony. prolong the hurt.

we can never be ready to get hurt. we can only rehearse the scenarios. too bad, scenarios don't always correspond to reality.

even in my imagination, it hurts and it hurts like hell. how much more painful is it in reality?

but if i continue to be stuck here with my imaginations, i won't be able to move on. i won't be able to do anything to move on. and that sucks.

sooner or later, whether i like it or not, reality will have to sink in. and i just have to accept it and the pain that comes with it.

missing you

i was doing ok. had almost no sleep at all. but at these times that's normal. but then i saw you. sadness pained my heart almost at the same instant that i saw you smile. i remembered how much i miss you. i remembered the days and nights of looking at places where you might be. i remembered all the draft messages i composed but never sent. the fact that you're drifting away is pain and not even knowing why is torture. The sight of you once sent chills to my spine now it sends chills to my heart. What has become of us? the butterflies in my tummy flew away leaving only sadness and confusion. i remember those long talks we used to have. and everytime i do, i am left with questions. was it real? was it what i thought it is? why did it happen? why is it not happening now? and the most painful question: will it ever happen again?

i wanted to say i miss you but i know better.

ano bang nangyari?

ano nga bang nangyari sa atin?

bakit tayo dumating sa puntong ito?

hindi ba't nangako tayo sa isa't-isa?

kaya basta sama-sama?

mula simula hanggang dulo?

we had the best visions and we know that together we can make them come true.

how can we make them come true now when there's no more 'together' no more 'we' just 'you and 'me'

we vowed not to be like them but here we are even worse than the one we avoided.

wala akong maisip kundi itanong : "anong nangyari?"

akala ko kasi ok na ang lahat satin at naniwala akong maayos natin to kasi tayo to.

pero asan na yung 'tayo'? nalulungkot ako. ano nga ba ang tama?

ano nga ba ang nakabubuti sa nakararami?

hindi ko maisip ang bukas ng wala ka.

magkasama kasi tayo dito.

sinimulan kasi natin to.

bakit ngayon ako na lang ang tatapos?

kaya ko ba na wala ka?

anong mangyayari?

paano?

hindi na ba maayos to?

wala na ba tayong pag-asa?

ano ba kasing nangyari?

ano bang nangyari?

Bara sa lalamunan

it is true that truth hurts but paranoia kills.

nakakalungkot pala ang pakiramdam ng kinakaawaan
pero mas nakakalungkot ang pakiramdam na maawa sa sarili.

i feel like something to be rid off.
Na sinasabi mo lang yan para maging maayos ang lahat, para may lugar din ako, hindi dahil naniniwala ka sakin...

Alam kong dapat ma-flatter ako.yun nga ang una kong naramdaman pero pagkatapos kong isipin ang mga bagay-bagay,nasaktan ako. At naiiyak ako ngayon.kasi napatunayan kong hindi lang pala ako ang naluloseran sa sarili ko, kayo rin pala...

oo,loser ako kasi nung andyan pa yung pagkakataon hindi ko pinakita sa'yo kung gaano ka kaimportante sa akin. Inisip ko pa nga noong iwan ka. Hindi ko nagawa ang lahat para sa'yo kasi sa isip ko, iiwan din naman kita pagdating ng panahon. Pero ngayong binibigyan na ako ng tadhana ng pagkakataon para iwan ka, hindi ko magawa. Kasi ngayon sigurado na akaongg mahal kita at kaya kong gawin ang lahat para sa'yo. Kaya lang, may nahanap ka ng iba. May nahanap ka ng kapalit ko, ang kaibigan ko. Siguro nga hindi pa kapalit kasi mas naibigay niya at nagawa niya yung mga bagay na hindi ko nagawa para sa'yo. Siyempre,masakit.kasi alam kong mahal mo siya at mahal ka rin niya. Ano pang laban ko di ba? Ano pang laban kong minsang bumalewala sa'yo? pinagsisihan ko yun pero tapos na di ba? di na maibabalik pa. Sa totoo lang, ayoko ng i try i-win back ka.kasi karapatdapat siya sa'yo.masakit pero dadalhin ko na lang din siguro ito sa akin.

kaya naman ganito ang nararamdaman ko, kung hindi nga ako naging karapatdapat para sa'yo e di lalo na sa mas higit sayo...

hay.nangyari na naman sa akin to.di na naman ako natuto.

Confessions...ko

Well, I’m wondering why I’m still up. I should be sleeping by now. My eye bags are getting darker and bigger. But maybe the sleep fairy forgot to visit me.
Something inside me hurts right now. I feel so heavy inside. And I caught myself rehearsing what I could have said that day. Alam kong hindi ko na maibabalik yung araw na yun or even those that I have let pass me by. But here I am imagining what could have happened if I said “ Kailangan mo ba ng kausap o gusto mong mag-isa?” Silly me. My tears are preparing to fall again but I hold them back. I hold them back like I usually do. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagdadrama ngayong gabi. Maybe because every song that radio station plays reminds me of you. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko maamin sa sarili kong minahal kita kaya siguro hindi ko rin malaman kung hanggang ngayon mahal pa rin kita. It’s just that when you’re out of my sight I regret the things I didn’t do to get closer to you but whenever you’re near my mind says “eeew.” Ang yabang-yabang ko pero heto naman ako hindi makatulog. I don’t know if you are the reason why there’s no one new in my life or the other way around na dahil walang bago sa buhay ko, I stick with you. I don’t know if I love you or I love the thought of loving you. I want to say that I’m really sorry but I don’t want to elaborate why I am sorry. Nagdadrama ako ngayon but I’m sure I will do everything para hindi niya mabasa ito. Am I really in love or is my brain just searching for things to occupy my mind habang sembreak? I can’t find anything to justify that I love him but also, I can’t find things to disprove it. Hindi ko lang siguro talaga matanggap sa sarili ko kung ano yung mga nararamdaman ko. But why? I’m so stupid. Maybe I’m still so immature.
Nakakalimutan ko ang mga bagay na ito when I’m at school but when I’m all alone, these things fill me. Regrets flow in again. I don’t even know where those regrets came from. I don’t know if they are caused by something real or they are just products of nerve actions in my brain. I don’t know if my heart really hurts or my cholesterol level just got higher. I don’t know. Wish I could open up my chest and just read what’s inside or I hope my body can explain to me what’s happening to her parts. I don’t know why I’m like this.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I guess my feelings aren’t as easy to read as a book na kahit ako hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko. It’s like I’m staring at a blank paper. I can’t see anything but I know it’s full of things I have to realize. It’s like a population with very heterogeneous characteristics that you cannot draw a valid sample to represent it. You have study every element but that’s crazy. I’m crazy. I hope it’s just another data set so I can compute for the correlation but again it’s crazy. I’m crazy.

Please don’t think too much about this. REMEMBER: I’m crazy. Mukha na akong tanga kaya matutulog na ako.