Bottled-up Negativities

It's been over a month since I last posted a blog entry. Busy or maybe I'm just too tired to write. So many things were hapening all at the same time and I can't seem to get a grip of what's happening, it's like everything I'm holding onto is slippang past my fingertips. During that time, a realization dawned on me. I need to write. I need to write to release all these negativites and to share to the world my joys, my happiness. So, prepare yourslef for a month's worth of bottled-up emotions.

I am in a place I have decided to leave as soon as I stepped in. But I'm still here because it's very hard to look for some place else when you can't leave the place you're at. I'm torn between trying to find that place I like, that place where I belong and staying just to prove my worth, to ensure that I will be missed when I'm gone. I'm torn because I know the people I love needs me to stay here just for the sustenance it provides and I can't fail them. All these years, I have been waiting for this time when I can give back to them, when I can take care of them like they took care of me. Once again I remind myself: Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

"I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love." I'll write another blog entry on this. But the gist is "He never really loved me." It hurts. It hurts that I spent so many nights and days thinking and sometimes crying about him only to find out that he never really did care. All these years I was holding on to the thought that maybe he was just tightlipped; that he loves me but because I avoid him, he got discouraged. I was so stupid because all along, I was the only one living on this love story.

I'm constatly having that feeling of wanting to own that universal undo button and I hate it because I tell my friends everytime, " Pinili mo yan. Panindigan mo." It sure is easier said than done.

I have this feeling that my brain is deteriorating. I often feel as in there is a haze covering my brain. It's like it's clouded of some sort. I am having difficulty focusing sometimes and I occasionally forget things that were said to me like 5 miutes ago. I also experience difficulty doing spontaneous calculations and I can't get seem to get the hang of playing a bass drum. It may sound perfectly normal to some but I really am not like that before. I can feel the difference. And I'm afraid. I'm only 21 so I don't think this has anything to do with ageing. I'm scared.

Negativities are bad for your health. It's better if you release them. And ask for positive energies from the Maker of it all.

Dear God,
I know haven't been speaking much to you lately. Inspite of that, you still take time to guide me and give solutions to my problems. Thank you for that. You don't know how much that means to me. After everyone has gone, I know you will still be there. Sorry for the times I stray away from the lessons you teach me.  Please, guide me in this journey. I won't last a second here without you. I am powerless. I am nothing without You.

One Way Do Not Enter

I dreamt of you again...




We were walking close to each other

close enough to hold hands but still far to even try

We were walking uphill towards our friends seated on a table



facing us, they were chattering

and i couldn't help but blush when they said

"bagay talaga sila ano?"



and as a mischievious smile crossed our friend's face, my dream swirled into nothingness



The funny thing about this dream is that i didn't see your face but somehow, i knew it was you.

or i was hoping it was you or i was making myself believe it was you



damn



lagi kitang naiisip

lagi kitang napapanaginipan

lagi akong naghihintay ng text mo

lagi kong iniisip kung anong gagawin mo kung ikaw ang nasa lugar ko

lagi kong iniimagine an makikita kita randomly

lagi, lagi, lagi na lang ikaw



at ang nakakainis sa lahat ng ito...



hindi mo naman ako iniisip

hindi mo naman ako napapanaginipan

hindi ka naman naghihintay ng text ko

hindi mo naman iniisip kung anong gagawin ko kung akoa ng nasa lugar mo

hindi mo naman iniimagine na makikita mo ako randomly

hindi, ni minsan, hindi naman naging ako



sabi ko dati, ok lang kahit hindi mo ako mahal basta ikaw mahal ko.

pero nakakapagod din pala ang lagi na lang ako ang nagbibigay, lagi na lang ako ang nagmamahal

gusto ko rin namang maging selfish minsan and demand the love i deserve



at sa pag-eemo kong ito, may background music "Adele: Melt My Heart to Stone"



And I hear your words that I made up

You say my name like there could be an us

I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love



I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

Ilang beses ko kaya dapat ulitin ito sa sarili ko para matauhan ako?



I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love



Well, at least, I'm in love. That must mean I'm capable of loving. And the ability to love guarrantees us that we are humans

That must mean, I'm a human! And if I could love this much, maybe, someday, I'll be loved as much.



At kung sino ka man out there somewhere na itinadhana ni Lord para sa akin, if you're reading this, don't worry.

I promise to keep my heart whole for you <3



(soooobrang cheeeeesy na ng dapat emo post!)



TATA

Low Bow

Para kang lobong unti-unting dumudulas sa kamay ko

Gustuhin ko mang hawakan ka habambuhay

Wala akong karapatang pigilan ang pag-angat mo

para kang lobong unit-unting dumudulas sa kamay ko

Darating ang panahon, mauubos rin ang tali

Darating ang panahon, di na kita maabot

Para kang lobong dumudulas sa kamay ko

Hinahayaan mo lang akong hayaan kang lumayo

realizations about death

death is such a sorrowful thing.

death seems to be something foreign, something trivial until it happens to you or to the people you love.

someone died because you lived and you lived because someone died. it is what we call balance.

we are not rich in anyway. we do not have the latest gadgets. we cannot boast of properties or antique furnitures. but we have the love that others will sell all their wealth for.

"at ang tanging pabaon ko ay pag-ibig"

people have different ways of coping with loss. as for me, i prefer to keep silent. sometimes, you have to hold your tears back to be able to wipe someone else's.

death is something natural.when we were born, we are expected to die some time in the future. what makes it painful are the what if's and what could have been's.

someday, we will be together in paradise.

officially missing you...

You were not here today. Just like the other day and the day before that. Where are you? Why the sudden disappearance? Is something wrong? I can't help but ask questions. Will they ever be answered? (UGH! Even that is a question!) Because you are not here to answer them and in my normal sober mode, I cannot have the courage to ask. I feel sad. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, it makes the heart grow tired. And now I must say I am tired. I am tired of asking questions. I am tired of figuring you out. I am tired of waiting.

I feel like I lost an old friend. I miss you not anymore as my object of affection but as  one of my most valued friends.  I just want my friend back. I won't be here any longer. You can count with the fingers of one hand the number of months until I'm gone. I just want to spend that remaining time having fun with my friends. But it seems wanting something more than friendship has driven you away from me. So, if you don't want to be my object of affection then so be it. Maybe we're better off as friends. Yeah, just friends. 

sadface

everything i wished for not to happen, happened.
what is wrong.
i feel so sad.
everything's not going my way.
what do i do?

i road the tricycle going home with these depressing thoughts in mind.
then these 2 women sat with me.
they started conversing about a column called "Young blood" with an entry entitled "Beer with Jesus"
Then the lady nearest to me gave the gist of the column. She said that the column talked about how we always pursue our dreams, our wants, never really caring what Jesus' dreams are for us.

might be coincidence. but i suddenly paused.
are things not going my way because this is not what God wants for me?
what does He want then?
how am i supposed to know?

hingang malalim

alam mo yung naiinis peero nangingiti, ako yun eh! as in RAWR! RAWR! RAWR!

gusto kong sumigaw, sumigaw, sumigaw, SUMIGAW!

gusto kong magpagulong-gulong, gulong, gulong, GULONG!

hindi ko maintindihan kung anong nararamdaman ko basta ang alam ko lang hindi ako masaya. hindi na ako masaya.

nalulungkot ako....

nalulungkot ako kasi ang komplikado na ng lahat ngayon.

para akong may bola na dati ako lang ang naglalaro pero ngayon marami ng kasali. nung una masaya pero ngayon.....
nagugulat na lang ako, may biglang magpapasa sayo ng di man lang nagsasabi. hindi ko tuloy masalo ng maayos.
hindi ko alam kung kelan ko pa mahahawakan yun ulit. yung ako lang.

call it selfish but some things are better kept to myself only.

pero nangyari na ang mga nangyari
nasabi na ang lahat ng mga nasabi
wala na akong magagawa kundi sabihin sa sarili ko na "ngiti lang. maayos din yan. ngiti lang"

if it were supposed to feel good, they wouldn't call it crush- Jahan

dati hindi ko naiintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng quote na yan pero dati yun. ngayon, intinding-intindi ko na. sigh.

Should i Stay, Gabrielle

ever experience hearing a certain song and realizing that all of the lyrics are precisely what's in your heart? That has happened to me lots of times. most recently it's should i stay by gabrielle. i think i don't need to elaborate any further. the lyrics say it all. hahaha.

"Should I Stay?"

Here I am, waiting for a sign, I never seem to know
If you want me in your life, where do I stand
I just don't know
I never feel I know you
'Cause you blow hot and you blow cold, it seems I've grown attached
Though we're not the perfect match
I just can't explain

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

I feel your warmth, got me wanting more, you've left the door half open
I'm in two minds to explore, but then again
Am I being honest, being truthful to myself, can I see my life without you
Could I be with someone else
It seems I've grown attached, though we're not the perfect match
I just can't explain

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

It seems I've grown attached
Though we're not the perfect match

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

missing you

i was doing ok. had almost no sleep at all. but at these times that's normal. but then i saw you. sadness pained my heart almost at the same instant that i saw you smile. i remembered how much i miss you. i remembered the days and nights of looking at places where you might be. i remembered all the draft messages i composed but never sent. the fact that you're drifting away is pain and not even knowing why is torture. The sight of you once sent chills to my spine now it sends chills to my heart. What has become of us? the butterflies in my tummy flew away leaving only sadness and confusion. i remember those long talks we used to have. and everytime i do, i am left with questions. was it real? was it what i thought it is? why did it happen? why is it not happening now? and the most painful question: will it ever happen again?

i wanted to say i miss you but i know better.

Flavor of the Month

repost from tuwing naalala kong nagkagusto ako sa'yo natatawa lang ako:

""Being babaero doesn't make you GWAPO. It makes you GAGO."

wag kang masdayong sweet sa isang tao lalo na kung iba naman ang laman ng puso mo. wag mong samantalahin ang kahinaan ng isang tao kung alam mong ikaw ang kahinaan nya. at kapag wala ka namang balak mahalin wag mong landiin. ang babae hindi yan psp na kukunin mo..."

nakakatawa. naging flavor of the month lang ba ako?

ang sarap ko naman para akong ice cream.hahaha.

i don't care if you don't care because I care and that's what matters.

maybe i don't deserve you or maybe you don't deserve me.

i refuse to be hurt

ganyan ka nga talaga.

di ko masabing "so what?" pero di ko rin namang masabing "ay, turn off"

kebs lang.

rebound mo lang pala ako.pero bat ganun, hindi naman masakit?

siguro kasi this time around, ginawa ko lahat ng gusto kong gawin.

NO REGRETS.

so i'm happy :)

s

naghihingalo

i remember the boy but i don't remember the feeling anymore.

hindi na ko kinikilig.

crush nga lang ba ito na nawawala na?

eh diba sabi nung sign........

hay.bakit kaya nawawala?

para namang signal.

dati ang lakas lakas.

ngayon aakyat pa ata ako dapat ng bubong

pero sa totoo lang.ayoko mawala yun. sigh. what's wrong with me?

ano bang nangyari?

ano nga bang nangyari sa atin?

bakit tayo dumating sa puntong ito?

hindi ba't nangako tayo sa isa't-isa?

kaya basta sama-sama?

mula simula hanggang dulo?

we had the best visions and we know that together we can make them come true.

how can we make them come true now when there's no more 'together' no more 'we' just 'you and 'me'

we vowed not to be like them but here we are even worse than the one we avoided.

wala akong maisip kundi itanong : "anong nangyari?"

akala ko kasi ok na ang lahat satin at naniwala akong maayos natin to kasi tayo to.

pero asan na yung 'tayo'? nalulungkot ako. ano nga ba ang tama?

ano nga ba ang nakabubuti sa nakararami?

hindi ko maisip ang bukas ng wala ka.

magkasama kasi tayo dito.

sinimulan kasi natin to.

bakit ngayon ako na lang ang tatapos?

kaya ko ba na wala ka?

anong mangyayari?

paano?

hindi na ba maayos to?

wala na ba tayong pag-asa?

ano ba kasing nangyari?

ano bang nangyari?

it ends tonight

inabot na naman ako ng umaga.
naghihintay.
oo.naghihintay.kasi naman nagiging masaya ako.
oo.masaya talaga ako.

kaya lang,napapansin ko, masyado ng malaki yung space na na-ooccupy mo sa utak ko.
nasisikipan na yung mga bagay na nauna dun.
mga bagay na sinumpa kong uunahin ko.

pero syempre hindi mo kasalanan yun.
kasalanan ko.maxado kitang iniisip.
and too much of anything no matter how much it feels good, is bad.

kaya naman sige.mangangako ako.
it ends tonight
it ends tonight

tama na siguro yung ilang linggo o ilang buwang masaya dahil sayo.
oras naman para maging masaya sa ibang bagay.
alam ko namang anjan ka lang.
diba?
pero yung mga ibang bagay,hindi sila pwedeng maghintay eh.
kaya uunahin ko muna yun.

nagegets mo naman diba?

it ends tonight
it ends tonight

ano ba yung it?
yung paghihintay at pag-asa.
hindi yung feelings :)

kumbaga ito ang huling gabi na maghihintay ako at pagbibigyan ang sarili ko.

nakakatawa kasi sinabi ko na rin yan dati.
at hindi ko napanindigan.
pero ngayon, paninindigan ko na ito.
tutulungan mo ko diba?

kumbaga.
ACADS
STATSOC
ACADS
STATSOC
ACADS
STATSOC

kailangan ko pagbutihin.
kasi pareho kong pinasok to.
kaya kailangan may isantabi.
may itago.
para pagdating ng panahon.
pag ok na ang lahat
saka kukunin.

ok lang yan myka.hindi naman mawawala eh.
kasi tinago na ni lord for you.
magtiwala ka lang.

pangako.

when darkness turns to light
it ends tonight
it ends tonight

Night of Failures

Nakakatawa. dito ako nagpopost kasi alam ko namang wala ng nag-oopen ng blogger ngayon.ahaha. Kailangan ko lang ilabas ito.

I was so disappointed earlier today. Wala kasi kaming class which means I won't be able to see you again. Another chance lost. Kaya naman ang saya-saya ko nung makita kita kanina. Kung pwede akong tumalon-talon, ginawa ko na. Kaya lang ang loser ko. I wasn't able to say what I wanted to. Kung papakinggan mo, parang importante yung sasabihin ko eh noh? Pero sa totoo sasabihin ko lang namang: "Hey nagpalit na ako ng number" Siguro natatakot din akong marinig mula sa'yo na "So?" pero hanggang ngayon binabatukan ko pa rin ang sarili ko dahil di ko sinabi.

"Hindi ka na ba natutuo sa nakaraan?"

Shame hurts less than regret. Motto ko na yan ngayon pero hindi ko mapanindigan! GGgrrrr.
But anyway, nangyari na ang lahat ng nangyari. Bahala ka na po Lord. Hindi ko talaga ito kayang mag-isa.

---------------------------------

Already gone, kelly Clarkson

i heard this song the other night...
grabe...

sigh...sob...

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
"We were always meant to say goodbye"
"Even with our fists held high It never would've worked out right"
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you
Now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But "I want you to move on"
So I'm already gone

"Looking at you makes it harder But I know that you'll find another That doesn't always make you want to cry"
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
"You know that I love you so I love you enough to let you go"
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
"You can't make it feel right When you know that it's wrong"
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone


oh diba, ang sakit sa puso...ahaha

realizations pagkarinig ng kanta:

• ito ang bagong theme song ko...
• ang tanging regalo sa'yo ng isang taong nasaktan mo ay ang magmove on siya at maging ok after everything,,,,ironically,ito rin ang pinakamasakit na parusa niya sa'yo..

new topic
"hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong gawin.ngayon mukhang mawawala ka na sa akin. dati hindi ganun kasakit ang mawala sila kasi andiyan ka pa..kahit mawala sila,ok lang andyan ka pa naman..at ok na yun para sa akin...pero ngayong mawawala ka na rin ano ng gagawin ko??...sadly, i can't make you stay...i'm incapable of that now..nakakainis naman..ikaw na nga lang ang meron ako.mawawala ka pa..."

next topic:
"selosa talaga ako..i compete for you're attention kahit alam kong hindi ko deserve..malapit na magnext year...pero ayoko pang isipin iyon kasi ngayon pa lang hindi na kita matrato ng maayos..paano pa sa mga susunond na panahon?
minsan, nakakatakot din pag may mga naniniwalang kaya mo,kasi ikaw sa sarli mo, alam mong hindi.paano kung mabigo mo sila?(i just shifted from first person to second person, this is bad...)paano kung masaktan mo yung mahal mo? nakakatakot isiping magtitiwala sila sa'yo bilang ikaw wala kang tiwala sa sarili mo..."

When tears fell,,again

Huwag kang tumingin ng ganyan sa amin
Dahil hindi ko alam kung mga titig na ya'y para sa akin
O sa kanyang mas may gandang angkin
Baka mali aking akalain

Huwag kang ngumiti ng ganyan
Tabi kami ng upuan
Baka isipin kong para sa akin yan
Hala, baka ika'y ngitian

Pakiusap huwag mong hayaang isipin ko na ako nga
Tapos siya pala
Tapos mahal ka rin nya
Ayoko namang maging kontrabida

Tapos magiging kayo
Sasabihin kong masaya ako para sa inyo
Kahit parang sasabog na ako
Kahit ang sakit-sakit na dito

Masakit, mahirap kasi wala akong masabihan
Pinili mo kasi'y aking kaibigan
Iiyak na lang mag-isa
Gagamutin ang sarili ng di nyo nakikita

Kasi walang kasing sakit ang umasa
Pag hindi naman pala pinapaasa
Sanay na ako sa buhay ng walang nanliligaw
Kaya wag mong ipahiwatig na baka ikaw

Tapos hindi pala.
Kaya tapos na.

Confessions...ko

Well, I’m wondering why I’m still up. I should be sleeping by now. My eye bags are getting darker and bigger. But maybe the sleep fairy forgot to visit me.
Something inside me hurts right now. I feel so heavy inside. And I caught myself rehearsing what I could have said that day. Alam kong hindi ko na maibabalik yung araw na yun or even those that I have let pass me by. But here I am imagining what could have happened if I said “ Kailangan mo ba ng kausap o gusto mong mag-isa?” Silly me. My tears are preparing to fall again but I hold them back. I hold them back like I usually do. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagdadrama ngayong gabi. Maybe because every song that radio station plays reminds me of you. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko maamin sa sarili kong minahal kita kaya siguro hindi ko rin malaman kung hanggang ngayon mahal pa rin kita. It’s just that when you’re out of my sight I regret the things I didn’t do to get closer to you but whenever you’re near my mind says “eeew.” Ang yabang-yabang ko pero heto naman ako hindi makatulog. I don’t know if you are the reason why there’s no one new in my life or the other way around na dahil walang bago sa buhay ko, I stick with you. I don’t know if I love you or I love the thought of loving you. I want to say that I’m really sorry but I don’t want to elaborate why I am sorry. Nagdadrama ako ngayon but I’m sure I will do everything para hindi niya mabasa ito. Am I really in love or is my brain just searching for things to occupy my mind habang sembreak? I can’t find anything to justify that I love him but also, I can’t find things to disprove it. Hindi ko lang siguro talaga matanggap sa sarili ko kung ano yung mga nararamdaman ko. But why? I’m so stupid. Maybe I’m still so immature.
Nakakalimutan ko ang mga bagay na ito when I’m at school but when I’m all alone, these things fill me. Regrets flow in again. I don’t even know where those regrets came from. I don’t know if they are caused by something real or they are just products of nerve actions in my brain. I don’t know if my heart really hurts or my cholesterol level just got higher. I don’t know. Wish I could open up my chest and just read what’s inside or I hope my body can explain to me what’s happening to her parts. I don’t know why I’m like this.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I guess my feelings aren’t as easy to read as a book na kahit ako hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko. It’s like I’m staring at a blank paper. I can’t see anything but I know it’s full of things I have to realize. It’s like a population with very heterogeneous characteristics that you cannot draw a valid sample to represent it. You have study every element but that’s crazy. I’m crazy. I hope it’s just another data set so I can compute for the correlation but again it’s crazy. I’m crazy.

Please don’t think too much about this. REMEMBER: I’m crazy. Mukha na akong tanga kaya matutulog na ako.

The 1st

You’re the 1st person who made me write all these stuff
The 1st one who paired my tear with a laugh
You’re the 1st person who caused my tears to blush
The very 1st one who caused my adrenaline rush

You’re the very 1st reason of my long blank stares
The very 1st reason of my smiles in midair
The 1st trigger of the electric shock down my spine
The 1st person that my eyes search for all the time

You’re the 1st person who made me forget what I just said
The 1st one to make me lie awake in my bed
You’re the very 1st person I have ever loved
Still, you’re the 1st pterson who broke my heart.

Nothing

What a long day
Now I'm sitting with dismay
I lost my book, my life in between its pages
I lost myself in a sea of a thousand faces

I feel so exhausted
I want to cry
I feel deserted
But i don't want to die, not yet

I want to cry
But I don't want to show them
I want to cry
But I don't want my eyes swollen

I want to scream
But I don't want anybody to hear
I want to scream
I hope nobody would care

I feel so melancholic
I feel so down
I feel so...
(let's end this)
NOTHING