Wordy Wednesday: Slow Motion Drowning

Water up to my throat
Threatening my quivering breaths
Climbing my skin in creepy slow motion
I'm drowning
I'm drowning in slow motion
My legs flail helplessly to gain ground
My arms scream loudly with no sound
My eyes have given up
Raining tears in a suicide attempt
And I ask myself:
Why did I drown myself in this ocean?
If I am the willing victim, who is this damsel whining?
Are the waves worth the cliff jump?
Are you still worth the drowning?
Are you still worth the slow motion drowning?

Tea Bag. Tea Back?

A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Am I in hot water?

Is this my hot water?

I'm so tired.

I feel so tired.

I feel so tired of feeling inadequate

I feel so tired of being unappreciated

I feel so tired of being backstabbed

I feel so tired of those pitiful looks

I feel so tired of deadlines

I feel so tired of feeling so tired.

Is this my hot water?

What am I doing?

Am I giving up?

Am I giving in?

Am I not strong enough?

Well, even teabags have their limit.

Once you've exhausted its essence, no matter how hot the water you put in, it will taste like nothing.

Am I at my limit?

Is this still worth pushing my limit?

Is this still worth it?

Are you still worth it?

I want to tell the person who wrote this this:

If every person who ever got depressed, failed, stressed, pressured and cried gave up, there wouldn't be any Thomas Edison, Michael Jordan or even Steve Jobs.

If all diamonds cracked at the pressure of being carved, there wouldn't be any pretty engagement rings to offer during proposals.

If all mommy dogs shunned the pain of giving birth, there wouldn't be any cute puppies to cuddle.

If all the people who got their hearts broken never loved again, the world would be in a grand state of chaos.

We all have our own pains given according to how much we can take, plus a little bit more so that we can improve.

Pain is good. Pain justifies that you are still alive. Pain justifies that you have the opportunity to feel joy and love.

So, to you, stop all these negativities. Half of it is your own doing. Make things happen. Make good things happen. Never lose sight of your priorities. Enjoy the pain. Joy will come soon after. Aja Myka!

Bottled-up Negativities

It's been over a month since I last posted a blog entry. Busy or maybe I'm just too tired to write. So many things were hapening all at the same time and I can't seem to get a grip of what's happening, it's like everything I'm holding onto is slippang past my fingertips. During that time, a realization dawned on me. I need to write. I need to write to release all these negativites and to share to the world my joys, my happiness. So, prepare yourslef for a month's worth of bottled-up emotions.

I am in a place I have decided to leave as soon as I stepped in. But I'm still here because it's very hard to look for some place else when you can't leave the place you're at. I'm torn between trying to find that place I like, that place where I belong and staying just to prove my worth, to ensure that I will be missed when I'm gone. I'm torn because I know the people I love needs me to stay here just for the sustenance it provides and I can't fail them. All these years, I have been waiting for this time when I can give back to them, when I can take care of them like they took care of me. Once again I remind myself: Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

"I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love." I'll write another blog entry on this. But the gist is "He never really loved me." It hurts. It hurts that I spent so many nights and days thinking and sometimes crying about him only to find out that he never really did care. All these years I was holding on to the thought that maybe he was just tightlipped; that he loves me but because I avoid him, he got discouraged. I was so stupid because all along, I was the only one living on this love story.

I'm constatly having that feeling of wanting to own that universal undo button and I hate it because I tell my friends everytime, " Pinili mo yan. Panindigan mo." It sure is easier said than done.

I have this feeling that my brain is deteriorating. I often feel as in there is a haze covering my brain. It's like it's clouded of some sort. I am having difficulty focusing sometimes and I occasionally forget things that were said to me like 5 miutes ago. I also experience difficulty doing spontaneous calculations and I can't get seem to get the hang of playing a bass drum. It may sound perfectly normal to some but I really am not like that before. I can feel the difference. And I'm afraid. I'm only 21 so I don't think this has anything to do with ageing. I'm scared.

Negativities are bad for your health. It's better if you release them. And ask for positive energies from the Maker of it all.

Dear God,
I know haven't been speaking much to you lately. Inspite of that, you still take time to guide me and give solutions to my problems. Thank you for that. You don't know how much that means to me. After everyone has gone, I know you will still be there. Sorry for the times I stray away from the lessons you teach me.  Please, guide me in this journey. I won't last a second here without you. I am powerless. I am nothing without You.

Totorothoughts

June 7, 2011

My wish for the two of you has finally come true. And please believe me when I say I'm genuinely happy for the two of you. I have loved you both with all my heart albeit in different ways and nothing makes me happier than two of my friends falling in love.

Friends are the best anti-depressants as well as destressors

Songs played in the office everyday:
"I'm no beauty queen. I'm just beautiful me"
"That should be me holding your hand. That should be me making you laugh"
"Don't be a drag just be a queen"

Quote galing kay RM:
Ang pagkabigo sa pag-ibig ay parang pagkalaglag sa hagdan. Sa umpisa masakit, pero maya-maya tatawanan mo na lang.

you have no right to be lazy because...

• a lot of people believes in you, you have no right to let them down
• although, the outcome is sure as the sun rising each day, there are things called miracles if you believe
• you used to have such passion and you succeed when you ignite it.
• you're the one who said that you want to live with no regrets so try and try.
• you only have 10 days to finish everything
• you need to do it so do it now!
• in this aspect of life, there are no second chances.
• you will not be doing this just to prove yourself, you will be doing this because this is what you want

huli ka!

alas dos ng umaga buhay na buhay pa
kay daming gagawin pag gising na sila
walang kausap, walang kasama
lumilipad ang isip patungong EDSA

biglang nahuli ko na lang ang sarili ko
humihiling, sumasamo
sana andito ka sa tabi ko
sana nakikita ko ang puyat na ngiti mo

ito yung mga panahong hinhiniling kong sana nandito ka
sana hindi naging komplikado ang mundong ginagalawan nating dalawa
sana kayang ayusin ng mundo ang mga problema niya
para may oras tayo sa isa't-isa

sana ngayon ikaw ang kapeng pampagising ko
sana tumatawa ako ng mag-isa sa mga hirit mo
sana madali kong natatapos ang gawain ko
kasi sa totoo lang, inspirado ako

ito yung mga panahong sana kasama kita
sana malapit ka kahit malayo naman talaga
sana wala tayong  mga problema
basta ikaw lang si .... at ako lang si Myka

inaamin kong di ko na dapat naiisip ito
kasi pinalaya ko na ang sarili ko sayo
pero maitatanggi ko ba ang totoo
na sa oras na ito, ikaw lang ang kailangan ko?

thank you

thank you. thank God for you.

i was all alone. more alone than i have been inside my mother's womb.
i don't want to talk about it but i want someone to talk to.
i needed diversion. i needed other things to think about.

and there was you. thank God you're my friend. thank God you sleep so late at night.
thank God.

thank you because you understood. thank you because you don't ask questions. thank you.

i'm feeling a lot better now. and you will always be one of the reasons why i got through
and all i can say is thank you :D

Magical Moment < 3

Alam kong cheesy pero kailangan mo na talagang malaman. Aalis na ako kaya huling pagkakataon ko na para sabihin sayo ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Mahal kita noon pa pero maniniwala ka ba kung sasabihin kong mas mahal kita ngayon? Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin. Magmumukha naman akong tanga nun kaya pinaramdam ko na lang. Sana naman  naramdaman mo diba? I love you so much I cannot even speak of its length or breadth or depth. I never thought I could love someone like this but then again I thought wrong. Dahil sayo, lagi na akong may katext at hindi ko na kailangan magforward ng quotes para masulit ang unli ko. Dahil sayo nagkaroon ako ng tapang. Dahil sayo mas naintindihan ko ang sarili ko. Dahil sayo naging mas mabuti akong tao. Dahil sayo, wala na akong pakialam sa sasabihin nila. Basta masaya ka. Basta kasama kita. 

Pero hindi rin naging madali ang ipakita sayo na mahal kita. Maraming beses na rin akong umiyak dahil sayo. Maraming beses na naiinis ako kasi hindi ko maiwasang hindi ka isipin kahit marami akong ginagawa sa acads. Maraming beses na naiiyak na lang ako sa sobrang pagod. Maraming beses na nahihilo na ako sa sobrang puyat. Maraming beses na rin na ginusto ko ng isuko ang lahat ng ito. Pero sa tuwing nakikita kitang nakangiti, nakatawa at masaya, nalulusaw lahat ng paghihirap. Nawawala lahat ng lungkot. Biglang ok na ako ulit.

Sabi ng mga magulang ko, nakasama ka raw sa akin. Nalulungkot ako. Nalulungkot ako kasi hindi nila makita kung gaano ako naging isang mabuting tao dahil sayo, kung gaano ako naging matatag dahil sayo. My best has always been because of you.

Sana sa pag-alis ko maging ok ka pa rin. Sana malampasan mo ang mga sarili mong expectations. Magkakalayo na tayo pero di naman ako mawawala. Pangako yan. Tawag ka lang pag kailangan mo ko. Alam mo namang hindi kita matitiis.

Sa panghuli, gusto kong magpasalamat sayo.  Salamat sa pagkakataong magkaroon tayo ng “babies” at “mga bunso.” Sana alam nila kung gaano ko sila kamahal.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging "Best Member" si Demae. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Canter na kinikilig. Salamat sa pagkakataong magpuyat kasama ni Gelli. Salamat sa pagkakataong masabihan ni Kat ng "I love you Myka Dear." Salamat sa pagkakataong makita ang bitchy side ni Q. Salamat sa pagkakataong mapaiyak si Polina. Salamat sa pagkakataong masermunan at sermunan si Hebs. Salamat sa pagkakataong makitang magkalovelife si Macar. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Aiz na kumain ng nakakamay. Salamat sa pagkakataong maging kampante na si Mau ang papalit sa akin. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Kris na laging kausap ni Chief habang kinikilig. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Kuya Marvin na hanggang tenga ang ngiti sa sobrang kilig. Sana alam nila na kung papipiliin ulit ako, sila pa rin ang mga members na kukunin ko.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging Personnel Chair mo. Salamat sa pagkakataong makilala sina Perv Goddess at Voyeuristic Princess. Salamat sa pagkakataong awayin  si RM at Jimmy. Salamat sa pagkakataong madiscover ang lovelives ni Nino. Salamat sa pagkakataong abusuhin ang sipag ni Thea at Kim. Salamat sa pagkakataong maasar ni Jong at asarin si Roni.  Salamat sa pagkakataong makatrabaho at maging mga tunay na kaibigan ang pinakajeje na BOD. Diba, akala nilang lahat hindi natin kakayanin. Pero akala lang nila yun.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging tunay na kaibigan ang 2 pinakasexy na presidente mo. Sana alam nila kung gaano ko sila namimiss.

Salamat sa pagkakataong makilala at mahalin siya. Sana makahanap siya ng taong mamahalin niya at mamahalin siya ng higit pa.

Salamat sa lahat ng bagay na naituro mo sa akin. Salamat sa pagtitiwala. Salamat sa pagmamahal.  Salamat sa mabubuting kaibigan na natagpuan ko dahil sayo. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat sayo, StatSoc.

losing grip

i'm losing grip again. ang dami kong kailangan gawin pero wala akong ginagawa.

"you will still be here tomorrow but you're dreams may not"

ok. i'm saying that to convince myself. and i'll say it over and over again since i'm pretty much hard-headed.
i must stop thinking about you. MUST. i've done too much thinking this past few days and less of the acting. i must go back to my old busy self. so i'm going to let this all out tonight.

i saw you today. but i dare not get near you in case a friend has had too much ice cream and decided to spill my secret. i feel sad knowing that i will be leaving this place in a few months time and the already limited time i have with you will be drained to its limit. i will miss you. i will miss you as a friend. you've been one of the best i've ever had and i blame myself for complicating that friendship. but there is nothing i can do at this point. so please just promise me you will take care of yourself. Promise me you will conquer all this. Promise me you will not surrender. Please. and when the time comes that God gives us a second chance, i hope we can be at our best selves. not regretting the past because it definitely made us stronger. not regretting the past because it is definitely one of the memories i will treasure forever. not regretting the past without it there will be no present and precisely no future.

let me be inspired by you.

ok.lez go na.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

No matter how much I love you I will not tolerate being taken for granted. I won't waste my time and my voice on someone who doesn't even listen. I've given you my time and my best effort. It's time you deserve it. It's time you learn and earn respect. Applicants must learn how to apply. Appreciate it while it's still heaven because hell is just around the corner. Show me you are learning or at least willing to. DON'T MAKE ME TEACH YOU. You'll regret it. I'd rather not have any new members this sem than have 30 people I cannot be proud of. I can't believe I'm saying this. It might hurt you but think of how much it hurts me. Being angry with you and being disappointed with myself at the same time.Don't push me to my limits because at that point I push back. hard.

5 months to go...

5 months to go, graduation ko na.
ang dami ng nagtatanong kung saan ko nga ba balak magtrabaho. sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam. ayoko pang isipin. gusto ko munang sulitin ang huling mga buwan ng pagiging estudyante, ng pagiging personnel chair :) i have all the time to think about the future but i have only now to think about the present. time flies so fast so i plan to fly with it. ayokong may pagsisihan kaya, pagbubutihin ko. :)

5 months to go, graduation ko na
5 months to go, hindi ko na kailangan magsuot ng student id
5 months to go, wala na akong student discount
5 months to go, lalaya na ako sa isang pangakong binitiwan ko nung grade 1 pa lang ako

how does it feel to be free? how does it feel to hold back nothing? how does it feel to let my feelings flow?
we'll know in 5 months :)

what i learned in school today

• each person is unique
• block what you can and randomize what you can't
• experimentation is an important part of the learning process
• experimentation is iterative
• bago mo isolve ang problema, kailangan naiintindihan mo muna siya
• i am not ready to risk whatever we have now
• Possible objectives of designing experiments
• ganun pa rin ba?
• what if?
• hanggang kailan?
• he's away from you for a while so that he could be with you forever

and if...

and if loving you is all that means to me and being happy is all i'd hope you'd be, then loving you must mean i really have to set you free

ang pinakanakakalungkot sa lahat ay yung nagiging sagabal ka sa mga pangarap ng taong mahal mo. yan ang kinakatakot ko ngayon. kaya naman, go lang. kaya mo yan! siguro cheerleader mo na lang muna ako. mahirap pero kakayanin ko kasi alam ko namang kaya mo. wag na wag kang mawawalan ng tiwala sa sarili mo kasi ang laki ng tiwala ko sayo. at habang kinakaya mo yan, gagawin ko naman ang lahat ng kaya ko para magtagumpay rin. success is sweet but it is sweeter when we taste it together. kaya natin to!

hello 2nd sem!

i cant sleep.

i'm afraid.

but i know fear is only in my head. should i get rid of my head? (that's a joke there.and it's not funny)

i have to adjust my body clock.

i have an 8:30 class. no to late night nothings (like this) anymore.

well, what am i thinking now?

i just read my whole blog again and it's weird reading it from latest to oldest.
but, i'm glad. i remember precisely how i felt while writing those and it makes me laugh.
yes, someday, there will come a point in your life when you will laugh about the things that once made you cry.

i am honestly satisfied with my life now. yes, single and happy and in love. with a very rich and colorful past to look back to, a very hopefully bright future ahead of me and a present full of surprises. yes, that is my life.

in terms of the heart matter, there are two people who colored (and are still coloring?) my life. the first one is the one i've always look up to. i wonder how he is now. part of my "success" in the academic field is because of him. For 2 years in a row, i motivated myself by thinking "he's doing great! you have to do so too.", "you don't want to face him a failure!", "he was able to do it, so why can't i?" then afterwards, it all boiled down to my innate desire to excel (although life will teach you in a hard way that you can't always do that). i am happy for him. i would love to see him fall in love with a deserving girl. i would love to shake his hand thinking "congrats, first love" because, yes, he is my first love. and it is true that first love never dies.

the other one is the person God pointed to when i asked Him for someone to love and someone who will love me. although, now i know, he doesn't feel the same way. it's actually ok and i'm taking it well. i'm thankful for having known him and having spent time with him. he is what you can call an inspiration. he inspires me to do best in what i do. he inspires me do things without regrets. he taught me to stand on my own and not to count on others to make me happy. with him, i can totally say that i have no regrets. i loved him in my own way without holding back anything. that is why, even though he doesn't feel the same way, i am happy.

in addition to that, i am happy because i now have a better connection with the people who maintains my sanity, my friends. i'm glad to be able to talk to them again about lots of things. i really miss them. people come and go but friends, true friends, they always stay. we seem to be so different now. i was afraid of it at first but i realized even though a lot of things have changed between us my love for them remains the same. i may not have made any interesting invention or made a significant contribution to the field of Statistics or made the whole country know my name but i made true friends. i could die happily with that.

this semester will perhaps be my last semester as an undergrad student of UP School of Statistics. i am excited and afraid at the same time. i am excited because i know there are lots of challenges waiting to be conquered and opportunities waiting to be seized. with that, i am afraid of not being able to conquer or to seize them all. this is my last chance to feel the University of the Philippines as a student. i won't let that chance slip by. so let's get it on!

it feels great.

i feel good.

i feel energized.

i feel you.

hello 2nd sem!

i wanna be with you if only for tonight

i am tired from meeting the demands of my everyday life. i am tired from living up to expectations of those who matter. i am tired from trying everything and doing my best yet not being satisfied with the fruits of my labor. i am tired from working alone. i am tired of being alone. that is why tonight i wanna be with you. you need not hold me tight and tell me everything will be alright. you need not put your arms around me and tell me you still love me even though i can't do the program right. i just need to be next to you. i just need to be with you.

i want to be next to you where grades, impressions and deadlines amount to nothing. i wanna be with you because worries leave me when i am at your side. i wanna be with you because in your eyes i found the greatest escape. i wanna be with you because with you is where reality is better than any other dream.

i wanna be with you. With you nothing else matters because all that matters is you.

ano bang nangyari?

ano nga bang nangyari sa atin?

bakit tayo dumating sa puntong ito?

hindi ba't nangako tayo sa isa't-isa?

kaya basta sama-sama?

mula simula hanggang dulo?

we had the best visions and we know that together we can make them come true.

how can we make them come true now when there's no more 'together' no more 'we' just 'you and 'me'

we vowed not to be like them but here we are even worse than the one we avoided.

wala akong maisip kundi itanong : "anong nangyari?"

akala ko kasi ok na ang lahat satin at naniwala akong maayos natin to kasi tayo to.

pero asan na yung 'tayo'? nalulungkot ako. ano nga ba ang tama?

ano nga ba ang nakabubuti sa nakararami?

hindi ko maisip ang bukas ng wala ka.

magkasama kasi tayo dito.

sinimulan kasi natin to.

bakit ngayon ako na lang ang tatapos?

kaya ko ba na wala ka?

anong mangyayari?

paano?

hindi na ba maayos to?

wala na ba tayong pag-asa?

ano ba kasing nangyari?

ano bang nangyari?

it ends tonight

inabot na naman ako ng umaga.
naghihintay.
oo.naghihintay.kasi naman nagiging masaya ako.
oo.masaya talaga ako.

kaya lang,napapansin ko, masyado ng malaki yung space na na-ooccupy mo sa utak ko.
nasisikipan na yung mga bagay na nauna dun.
mga bagay na sinumpa kong uunahin ko.

pero syempre hindi mo kasalanan yun.
kasalanan ko.maxado kitang iniisip.
and too much of anything no matter how much it feels good, is bad.

kaya naman sige.mangangako ako.
it ends tonight
it ends tonight

tama na siguro yung ilang linggo o ilang buwang masaya dahil sayo.
oras naman para maging masaya sa ibang bagay.
alam ko namang anjan ka lang.
diba?
pero yung mga ibang bagay,hindi sila pwedeng maghintay eh.
kaya uunahin ko muna yun.

nagegets mo naman diba?

it ends tonight
it ends tonight

ano ba yung it?
yung paghihintay at pag-asa.
hindi yung feelings :)

kumbaga ito ang huling gabi na maghihintay ako at pagbibigyan ang sarili ko.

nakakatawa kasi sinabi ko na rin yan dati.
at hindi ko napanindigan.
pero ngayon, paninindigan ko na ito.
tutulungan mo ko diba?

kumbaga.
ACADS
STATSOC
ACADS
STATSOC
ACADS
STATSOC

kailangan ko pagbutihin.
kasi pareho kong pinasok to.
kaya kailangan may isantabi.
may itago.
para pagdating ng panahon.
pag ok na ang lahat
saka kukunin.

ok lang yan myka.hindi naman mawawala eh.
kasi tinago na ni lord for you.
magtiwala ka lang.

pangako.

when darkness turns to light
it ends tonight
it ends tonight

:(

ang pakiramdam ko ngayon parang tumatalon ang puso ko mula ribcage hanggang tyan.

para siyang malalaglag anytime...

Already gone, kelly Clarkson

i heard this song the other night...
grabe...

sigh...sob...

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
"We were always meant to say goodbye"
"Even with our fists held high It never would've worked out right"
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you
Now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But "I want you to move on"
So I'm already gone

"Looking at you makes it harder But I know that you'll find another That doesn't always make you want to cry"
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
"You know that I love you so I love you enough to let you go"
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
"You can't make it feel right When you know that it's wrong"
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone


oh diba, ang sakit sa puso...ahaha

realizations pagkarinig ng kanta:

• ito ang bagong theme song ko...
• ang tanging regalo sa'yo ng isang taong nasaktan mo ay ang magmove on siya at maging ok after everything,,,,ironically,ito rin ang pinakamasakit na parusa niya sa'yo..

new topic
"hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong gawin.ngayon mukhang mawawala ka na sa akin. dati hindi ganun kasakit ang mawala sila kasi andiyan ka pa..kahit mawala sila,ok lang andyan ka pa naman..at ok na yun para sa akin...pero ngayong mawawala ka na rin ano ng gagawin ko??...sadly, i can't make you stay...i'm incapable of that now..nakakainis naman..ikaw na nga lang ang meron ako.mawawala ka pa..."

next topic:
"selosa talaga ako..i compete for you're attention kahit alam kong hindi ko deserve..malapit na magnext year...pero ayoko pang isipin iyon kasi ngayon pa lang hindi na kita matrato ng maayos..paano pa sa mga susunond na panahon?
minsan, nakakatakot din pag may mga naniniwalang kaya mo,kasi ikaw sa sarli mo, alam mong hindi.paano kung mabigo mo sila?(i just shifted from first person to second person, this is bad...)paano kung masaktan mo yung mahal mo? nakakatakot isiping magtitiwala sila sa'yo bilang ikaw wala kang tiwala sa sarili mo..."