Mga Pangarap ng Isang 21 year old na nilalang

Isang gabi matapos gumawa ng copy, napakarandom na naisip ko "Ano nga bang pangarap ko?" (Nagpapakaprofound ang lola mo). Naisip ko bigla. Ikaw, ikaw ang pangarap ko (SOOOOOOOOOOBRANGG CHEEEEEEEEESY) pero actually parang hindi naman. Parang iba ang pangarap ko.Ano nga ba, ano nga ba ang pangarap ko?


pangarap kong kantahin para sa akin ng isang espesyal na tao ang "I'm yours" ng The Script

pangarap kong magtayo ng bahay ampunan

pangarap kong makakuha ng 100 na score sa karaoke

pangarap kong sumayaw ng ballroom
( at habang sinusulat ko ito tumugtog ang "if can see it then i can do it if i just believe it there's nothing to it" i sooooo love you Lord. Ang lakas ng bilib mo sakin)

pangarap kong makasakay sa eroplano

pangarap kong magkaroon ng anak

pangarap kong maging isang mabuting ina

pangarap kong makapagbake ng chocolate cake na masarap

pangarap kong umakytat ng puno

pangarap kong maging dj

pangarap kong sumulat

pangarap kong mapunta sa langit

pangarap kong magsulat ng sarili kong libro

pangarap kong malagay sa dyaryo (for a very positive reason. let's stress that)

pangarap kong makatanggap sa roses

pangarap kong makapagdrive ng kotse

pangarap kong maging proud sila sa akin

pangarap kong mahanap ang "The One"

Pangarap kong makarating sa Great Barrier Reef

Pangarap kong malibot ang Rome

Pangarap kong gumawa ng bag

pangarap kong makawitness ng isang miracle

pangarap kong makapagligtas ng ibang tao

pangarap kong mawala ang lahat ng pimples ko

pangarap kong maging kulot

Pangarap kong maging isang cartoon

pangarap kong makaimbento ng sarili kong recipe na masarap

pangarap kong manalo ng award

pangarap kong mag-out-of -town with my friends

pangarap kong matutong maggitara

pangarap kong matupad ang mga pangarap ko

pangarap kong maging pangarap ng iba. haha

Totorothoughts

June 7, 2011

My wish for the two of you has finally come true. And please believe me when I say I'm genuinely happy for the two of you. I have loved you both with all my heart albeit in different ways and nothing makes me happier than two of my friends falling in love.

Friends are the best anti-depressants as well as destressors

Songs played in the office everyday:
"I'm no beauty queen. I'm just beautiful me"
"That should be me holding your hand. That should be me making you laugh"
"Don't be a drag just be a queen"

Quote galing kay RM:
Ang pagkabigo sa pag-ibig ay parang pagkalaglag sa hagdan. Sa umpisa masakit, pero maya-maya tatawanan mo na lang.

thank you

thank you. thank God for you.

i was all alone. more alone than i have been inside my mother's womb.
i don't want to talk about it but i want someone to talk to.
i needed diversion. i needed other things to think about.

and there was you. thank God you're my friend. thank God you sleep so late at night.
thank God.

thank you because you understood. thank you because you don't ask questions. thank you.

i'm feeling a lot better now. and you will always be one of the reasons why i got through
and all i can say is thank you :D

Untitled muna

"Tayo na!"
"Tayo na?"
"Oo, unless gusto mo pang maghintay?"
"Joke lang yun! Oh my God! I can't believe tayo na!"

Yan ang storya kung paano naging kami ni Oliver. Actually, niyaya ko lang siyang umalis na kasi ang tagal dumating nung gustong bumili ng tickets para sa play. Nagulat na lang ako kasi niyakap niya ako at in 5 seconds, may boyfriend na ako.

Ilang buwan na ring nanliligaw sa akin si Oliver. Pero hindi ko siya sinasagot. Hindi dahil sa ayaw ko sa kanya kundi dahil hindi ko lang siya ganun ka-gusto para i-commit ang sarili ko. Kung ganon, bakit hindi ko itinama yung maling akala niya? Well, let's just say I want to give it a try. Paano ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan? Paano ko malalaman kung masarap kung hindi ko titikman?

**********************************Disclaimer-not yet finished***********************

alunmi homecoming

“God is with you. He must be, for you are the closest thing to an angel I’ve ever met.” Blag!!!
“The Notebook” by Nicholas Sparks, the one I was reading, fell to the floor. I dropped it because there, smiling in front of me, at the opposite side of the glass wall, was the man, the only man I had ever loved with all my heart. His smile made my world spin. For that brief moment, I was no longer at the National Bookstore, I was in heaven. Then, reality pulled me back.
I am not prepared to see him yet. This couldn’t be happening. This is not true! I closed my eyes tightly hoping his image would disappear. And when I opened my eyes, he was gone.
Good thing! It was just another one of my illusions.
Relief flooded my heart. At that moment, I stooped down to pick the book. But before I could reach it, a familiar hand picked it and handed it to me.
It is him again! Again, I closed my eyes. It’s just another illusion!
“Are you ok?” His voice told me it wasn’t an illusion. His voice brought back so many memories flashing right before my closed eyes, memories I thought I had forgotten. As I opened my eyes, I saw his smiling face.
His eyes, oh his eyes, still have that intense gaze. His hair is thinner. A few wrinkles can be seen here and there; an obvious sign of the ten years that passed since I last saw him. Yes, ten years have passed and still, I am not ready for this.
“Are you ok?” I must have stared at him for too long. I finally managed to talk.
“Umm...yes. I’m ok. What are you doing here?”
“Actually, I saw you getting off your car. I followed you but I lost you in the crowd. I figured that the first place you’d go to is the bookstore. Lucky guess huh?” he narrated animatedly. I still can’t believe he’s here.
“Well, yes lucky guess! Why did you….umm…..follow me?”
“Hmm. Well, not for any reason really. It’s just that it’s good to meet up with old friends, don’t you think?”
“Ah yes!” I was just a friend ever since.
“Can you accompany me to the supermarket? I just have to buy some groceries.” Then, suddenly, maybe unconsciously, he patted my shoulder. I was surprised. I had forgotten how that felt. I have forgotten that it felt really good. I could only look at him.
What is he doing here? Why did God let us meet?
“Sure.” I, finally, answered nervously. My heart was beating so loud I think he can hear it. The two of us said nothing until we went inside the supermarket.
The supermarket is huge. After he took a cart, we walked, now at a slower pace, towards the fruit section.
“How are you?” We laughed because we inquired at the same time.
“I am ok. I am now working as junior vice president in a certain company in Makati. I've worked there ever since I graduated. I was actually surprised with the promotion. I really didn't expect it,” I answered humbly.
“Well, I think you deserve such a promotion. You are a very smart woman, you know.” I blushed at his words. He didn't seem to notice because he continued talking, “As for me, I am the chief engineer of a construction firm. Some ask me why I chose construction work over office work. My only answer is that I want to work with something tangible, something which development relies on me. And at the end of the day, nothing is more fulfilling than seeing a family full of love being sheltered by the house you constructed.”
“We really are opposites” was all I could say. I was so moved by his words, by his love.
He laughed at my remark and said “Yes, ever since.”
But opposites attract!
I was so delighted by my thoughts I couldn't think of a smart response. He, too, seemed to be thinking about something. Silence enveloped us again.
I know he’s waiting for me to say something but I don’t know what to say or actually, how to say it. Exactly how do you tell the person you love that you love him even after ten years?
“Can I ask you something personal?” he asked, as if reading my thoughts. I nodded in response.
“Have you ever been in love?”
“Well, yes. I guess everyone has but it didn’t work out. It’s pretty much one-sided. Well, actually I never told him how I feel or even ask him if he feels the same way. I guess that’s the thing between boys and girls. Boys do the asking and girls do the answering.” I laughed at my remark but he stayed serious.
“Don’t you think it deserves a second chance?”
“Maybe not. How about you, do you believe in second chances?”
“Of course. Everybody deserves a second chance.”
“Even if, even if she’s hurt you so much?” I heard my voice crack.
“Yes.”
“But why?”
“Simply because I love her.” Now, he’s looking at me in the eyes. I could not mutter a response so I turned and feigned to examine the apples in the shelf.
He loves me! He loves me! He LOVES me!
I have to say something.
“How about you, have you ever been in love?” I asked without looking at him.
“Yes and like you, I never really told her. I felt so unworthy of her. And, being the kind of woman that she is, I think she wanted to finish her studies first. I don’t want to hinder that. ” I did not answer instead I examined a bottle of jam so he continued talking “Back then, she tried so hard to fit in. She never realized that people love her more when she’s just being herself. I love her more when she’s just being who she is.”
“And you never loved anyone else?”
“I’ve had a lot of attractions. But none of them really developed into a real relationship. Actually, I remember asking myself often why I never entered a relationship. Then, I realized that I want her to be my first and last, my one and only.” He said this so passionately that I can feel my tears coming again that I could not answer.
“How about you, do you have someone else besides that man you love?”
“I had a few infatuations but I end up comparing them to him. Eventually, I realized, that after all these years, he’s still the one I’m looking for.” Having said that was a relief. I never thought I could tell him that. He gazed at me for about three seconds, the longest three seconds of my life, and then my phone rang. It was Claire, my secretary.
“I’m sorry but I have to go. My secretary is calling, I guess, to remind me of my meeting. I have to go. Bye!” I turned around quickly to leave. I rejected my secretary’s call for some unknown reason and hurried off to the exit.
“Sarah!” Hearing him say my name made my knees grow weak.
“Yes?”
“Thank you! I’ll see you at the homecoming party tomorrow night. Bye!” I smiled weakly in response. As I turned around, panic enveloped me.
It is tomorrow night! I’m not ready yet! I pressed speed dial number five.
“Claire, cancel all my meetings for today and tomorrow. I have to prepare for something really important.” Something I’m sure will change my life forever.
I spent the rest of the day trying out clothes from store to store .The theme was prom night. I have had sad prom nights with him. On the first one, he left me, with jaw dropped open, on the dance floor. The next one, we never left the dance floor. He was dancing with another girl. I, the photographer, was obliged to take photos of the love of my life dancing to my favorite tune with the most beautiful girl in our batch. Ouch!
I hope this next one will be different. No, I’m sure this next one will be different.
The next day was my first time to spend a day at the salon. But I think it was worth it. When I left the salon, I felt beautiful. I drove to the venue, our university quadrangle, with Michael Murphy singing “Maybe this time” in the background.
“Maybe this time it'll be love that they'll find. Maybe now they can be more than just friends. She's back in his life and it feels so right. Maybe this time, love won't end.”
I could hardly recognize the university quadrangle as I got off my car. It was painted white and gone are the shoe marks on the wall. The stage was also equipped with lighting and a nice looking rostrum. It looked a lot better compared to the filthy stage with only one power outlet where we used to practice our play about a chapter in Noli Me Tangere. Everything had changed, including me.
I am no longer that silly high school girl who cannot mutter a “Hi” to her crush because tonight, yes, tonight, I’m going to tell him.
Then, a hand patted my back. As I turned around, I, again, saw that beautiful face which has decorated my dreams for ten long years.
“Hey, you look beautiful. Can I have this dance?” he invited with his irresistible smile. I took his hand wearing a smile that reached to my dangling pearl earrings.
“There’s something you should know.” We both eagerly said.
“Go ahead.” I whispered smiling.
This is it! He’s going to propose!
“I…” His words were interrupted by a rude ring from his phone. He answered it turning his back. When he finally faced me, my worst nightmare came.
“I’m sorry. It’s my daughter, Elaine. I think she’s having nightmares again. I’m sorry but I have to go. Bye!” He frantically uttered. I was shocked. I could only watch him leave the place.
My God! He did it again! He left me. And worse, he already have a daughter!
Next thing I know, I was sitting in a chair with a lot of people patting my back and offering handkerchiefs in all colors and patterns. But no pat or handkerchief can wipe away all my false hopes and shattered dreams. I thought it was impossible for a man to break a heart twice.
But for the nth time since yesterday, I thought wrong. My thoughts hurt me more. I could no longer contain it. I rushed to my car without even saying goodbye and beat every red light I came across. My heart was going to burst in pain. I could feel it. I stepped on the breaks as hard as I can. I don't know where I am but I actually don't care.
He has a daughter. He is married. I am so dumb!! Sarah, what made you think you are the woman he was referring to in his story yesterday?! You assumed too much! Now, you look silly! You made a fool out of yourself!” How can he hurt me like this?! First, he has child. Why did he not just tell me yesterday?! Is it just to hurt me? And, now, why does he have to leave me standing alone in that dance floor again!? Doesn’t he know that it hurts me? Doesn’t he know that I love him?
The answer donned on me as soon as I thought of the question. He didn’t know. He didn’t know because I never told him. I was the one to blame because I never told him the things he had to know.
I should not have hoped for a happy ending.
I covered my face with my hands. My heart was in so much pain I wish I could pull it out and throw it away. I closed my eyes and cried till I fell asleep.
I was woken by honks of a car. I straightened up and saw a car approaching from a distance. It stopped right in front of my car. A person hurriedly got off the car, opened my door and took me in his arms. I instantly recognized the warmth embrace. This was the embrace I have been longing for ever since I became a teenager. It was him.
“God! Where have you been? They told me you left the party crying! I have been searching for you all night!” He screamed at my ear. I wanted to hug him too but instead, I pushed him back.
“Go away! I don’t need you!” I screamed at him trying to break free from his guarding arms. Surprisingly, he let go. It hurt me more.
Doesn’t he really care?
“You really resemble my daughter. Those were the exact words she told me hours ago when I came for her. Oh! I'm sorry I had to leave you before we finished the dance. I just had to come to her.”
How can he say these things to me? My thoughts hurt me and brought more tears.
“To make up to you, can we continue our dance?” He suddenly whispered while holding out his right hand.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I cried in desperation.
“Ssshh… Please?” He whispered again.
He looked so calm and sincere. How can you resist a man like that? After all, nothing can more be painful than what I feel right now. He can’t possibly hurt me even more.
After convincing myself, I took his hand. Then he started to sing.
“The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful stop me and steal my breath...”
Why is it that even though he has hurt me so much, the sound of his voice seem to melt all the pain?

Wait! What am I thinking?! What am I doing!? Sarah! This guy has ripped your heart apart! Why are you dancing with him?! Don’t let him hurt you again! You must not be deceived! You must be firm!
“Stop it! Go away and stop hurting me! I don’t need you! I’m better off without you!” I pushed him back and started to run away.
I wish I could summon an airplane, fly and migrate to Greece!
But what he shouted caused me to halt my expedition to Greece.
“Wow. This is really amazing! Those were the exact words she shouted at me the day I came to fetch her from the orphanage” My jaw dropped again as I faced him.
What did he just said?
I froze. I could no longer feel my body. All I can hear is my heart throbbing and all I could see was him making his way to me. He wrapped me with his arms. I could feel the steady beat of his heart.
“You adopted her? You’re not married?” I slowly muttered my questions.
“Yes, from an orphanage in Tagaytay. Besides who told you I am married?”
“Well, no one but who is the girl you were talking about yesterday?”
“Do you want to see her picture?” I nodded as a response. He took his wallet, pulled a picture and handed it to me. It was hard to see in the dark but I realized it was cropped from our class picture. It was me. I was overwhelmed.
Maybe, I am not going to migrate to Greece after all.
I gazed at him. Once again I was lost in those deep black eyes I have fallen in love with years ago. If this is how it feels to be lost, I wish I will never be found.
“I love you, I always have” he whispered to my ear.
My previously broken heart is now jumping with joy. I embraced him tightly.
“It is funny that the only person who can mend your heart is the one who broke it.” I whispered to him smiling. That feeling of being promoted from supervisor to junior vice president cannot describe even half of what I feel now.
“I’m sorry I broke you’re heart” He apologized as he faced me and held my face in his hands.
“It’s ok. This is worth all the pain. You are worth all the pain.” Our eyes met. He gazed into me like he did yesterday. He brought his hand to my face, lightly touching it, caressing my cheeks. He stroked my hair, tucked some loose strands behind my ear and held me closer. I closed my eyes and placed my hands in his neck and started caressing his neck down to his chest.
I have dreamed of this! Finally! My first kiss!

There was a long silence. Then, he burst in laughter.
“What’s so funny?” I retorted with a bit of disappointment in my voice.
“Your face is all black!” he managed to say in between chuckles. When I turned and looked at my reflection in the side mirror. I screamed.
“My mascara!”

15 minutes

“Alam mo gusto ko mahal kita. Kasi ang bait mo, lagi mo akong binibigyan ng lollipop. Tapos sabay pa birthday natin. Ikaw ba gusto mo bang mahal mo ako?”
“Ano ba yun?”
“Basta.”
“O, sige”
“ Kaya lang sabi ng nanay ko yung mahal daw kapag malaki na tayo saka lang pwede”
“Paano na yun?”
“e di pag malaki na tayo”
“Kailan ba yung malaki na tayo?”
“Sabi ng nanay ko pag naka-21 na birthday na raw ako, malaki na ako. Ikaw, nakailang birthday ka na ba?”
“Six pa lang eh”
“Ako rin”
“Matagal pa pala”


Hindi ko makakalimutan ang usapan nating ‘yun kahit grade 1 pa lang tayo. Pati na rin nung JS natin nung 4th year. Nagulat ako sa sinabi mo noong nagsasayaw tayo:


“Nakailan ka na?”
“Ha?”
“Nakalimutan mo na ba?”
“Hindi noh. Naka-17 na ako. Ikaw ba?”
“Loka. E di 17 din. Magka-birthday kaya tayo.”
“Oo nga ano.ahahaha”
“Basta pag naka-21 na tayo, magkikita tayo sa chapel ng eksaktong 8 ng gabi. Pag wala tayo doon ng saktong 8 ibig sabihin may mahal na tayong iba”
“Ok. Usapan yan”


Hindi ko talaga nalimutan yun. Naka-21 na ako kaya ako nandito. Tututpad ako sa pangako dahil ikaw lang ang mahal ko. Pero bakit ganoon, nak-21 ka na rin di ba? Bakit wala ka pa? May mahal ka na bang iba?


1 minuto na lang 8 na. Wala ka pa rin.


10 seconds na lang. Hindi ka pa dumarating.


5… 4…3…2…1.


8 na sa relo ko. Wala ka pa rin. Wala ka na. Wala na.


Ang sakit.



Umaasa ako.


Ang sakit.


All these years ikaw lang ang mahal ko.


Ang sakit.


4 years lang tayong hindi nagkita may iba ka na.



Uuwi na lang ako. Itutulog ko na alng ito. Dyan lang ang bahay naming pero nag-jeep ako. Hindi ko kayang maglakad. Hindi ko na maalala kung nagbayad ba ako. Dumapa ako sa sofa namin.


I feel so hurt.


I feel so broken.


I feel so…OH MY GOD!!!!SHOCKS ANG TANGA KO!!


Nagmamadali akong tumakbo papuntang chapel. Nakapambahay ppa akong tsinelas. Gulo-gulo ang buhok ko. Pero nandoon ka. Naiyak ako sa tuwa. Niyakap mo ako at tinanong:



Dumating naman ako di ba?Bakit ka umiiyak?


Wala akong nasabi kundi:


15 minutes advanced kasi ang relo ko.

MRT

You are at Quezon Avenue Station. Quezon Avenue Station. Thank you for patronizing the Metrostar Express.
Parati akong nakaupo dito. Paulit-ulit kong naririnig ang boses na yan. Minsan nga naisip ko, "sino kaya ang nagsasalitang yun?" Laging ito ang iniisip ko bago ko siya nakita. Oo, yung babaeng magulo ang buhok, mukhang pagod na pagod at laging nagmamadali. Madalas ko siyang nakikitang isinasaksak ang stord valu ticket sa machine tapos bumababa sa hagdan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa libu-libong taong dumadaan siya lang ang napapansin ko. At sa tuwing makikita ko siya, laging ganun ang ginagawa niya. Paulit-ulit.
Pero iba ngayong gabi. Oo, isinaksak niya yung stored value ticket niya pero hindi siya bumababa sa hagdan kundi, tumaas siya sa hagdang kinauupuan ko. Umupo siya ilang hakbang mula sa akin. Tinakpan niya ang mukha niya ng kanyang mga kamay at umiyak. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Kinuha ko yung panyo kong puti pero gray na ito ngayon kaya hindi ko maiaalok sa kanya. Hindi ko naman matiis na hindi siya lapitan kaya umupo ako sa tabi niya.

"Bakit ka umiiyak?" tinanong ko siya.

"Ang bilis-bilis kasi ng mundo, naiwan tuloy ako"

"Ako rin nga naiwan eh. Ang tagal ko na nga rito"

Nang sabihin ko yun, tumingin lang siya sa akin. kItang-kita ko sa mga mata niya na malungkot talaga siya kaya sinabi ko sa kanya

"Gusto mo habulin natin. Hindi naman kasi talaga bumibilis ang mundo. Tayo ang bumabagal."

Sa wakas ngumiti siya. Tumayo kai at bumaba sa hagdan. sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon masasabi kong may magandang nangyari sa pag-upo ko sa hagdanan sa may MRT.

Kaya, sa'yo mundo, humanda ka dahil makakahabol din kami sa'yo. At sa babaeng magulo ang buhok atn mukhang pagod na pagod, kumapit ka lang makakahabol din tayo. Oo, makakahabol tayo.