losing grip

i'm losing grip again. ang dami kong kailangan gawin pero wala akong ginagawa.

"you will still be here tomorrow but you're dreams may not"

ok. i'm saying that to convince myself. and i'll say it over and over again since i'm pretty much hard-headed.
i must stop thinking about you. MUST. i've done too much thinking this past few days and less of the acting. i must go back to my old busy self. so i'm going to let this all out tonight.

i saw you today. but i dare not get near you in case a friend has had too much ice cream and decided to spill my secret. i feel sad knowing that i will be leaving this place in a few months time and the already limited time i have with you will be drained to its limit. i will miss you. i will miss you as a friend. you've been one of the best i've ever had and i blame myself for complicating that friendship. but there is nothing i can do at this point. so please just promise me you will take care of yourself. Promise me you will conquer all this. Promise me you will not surrender. Please. and when the time comes that God gives us a second chance, i hope we can be at our best selves. not regretting the past because it definitely made us stronger. not regretting the past because it is definitely one of the memories i will treasure forever. not regretting the past without it there will be no present and precisely no future.

let me be inspired by you.

ok.lez go na.

Birthday Surprise

It was a beautiful evening and I was feeling so down again. Good thing nobody noticed because I would surely cry if anyone asked. I was sad because I am tired. I was sad because I feel like I'm killing myself. I was sad because the world seems to contradict my wants, my ideas. I just wanted to work, work to my limits so by then I could rest. The difference between being tired and being sad is that the former has an over-the-counter solution which the latter apparently lacks.

It felt weird smiling all the time when you know deep inside that there was no reason to do so. I was this much depressed. When a friend handed a picture of a certain person to me, i was infuriated. The first thing that popped on my mind was "Did you actually think my whole world revolves around this guy?! What good is a picture if you can't have the real thing?" I was more sulky after that. But then again, the tides turned. I am the worst person to give a surprise to because I always manage to find out (not that i'm trying!) They formed a circle with each holding candles and the next thing I know there was a loud "Happy Birthday" being sung while passers-by curiously look at us. They made me blow 21 candles not once but twice. And, I actually had a cake! A second cake for my birthday! My sadness seemed to drain away. I am very happy not because of the cake or the candles or the party hat but because the people I love were there singing at the top of their lungs that they are happy I was born, that is the best thing in the world. I don't give a damn about the people who don't know or even care if it's my birthday because I already have the ones who matter singing to me. I am happy, very happy.

Now I know that if God were to grant me a post-birthday wish, I would ask that He guide this people and give them the best of health because I don't know what I'd do without them.

And if God so loved me to grant me a second post-birthday wish, I would ask for a day with he-who-must-not-be-named when we could just talk all day without anybody throwing meaningful glances at me and teasing me inside their heads. I find it a great relief to be able to talk to him.

I am expressing this wishes now because God taught me this week that you must be careful what you wish for because you just might get it but you have to be extra careful not wishing for anything because you will get nothing. As goes the old Bible saying "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find." God always knew what i want even before i could put them into words and He gave me exactly that: my friends, my good friends. They are the best birthday gift ever.

birthday fast approaching.....

in less than a week i'd be turning 21. according to the laws of society, by then i could get married without my parents' consent. i am actually excited (not with the opportunity to get married without consent). For me, spending birthdays means being thankful of another year given by God and saying "happy birthday to you " is like saying "i'm glad God gave you one more year to be with me."

i think i won't be asking for anything this year because God always knew how to make my birthday very special. i won't be asking for you. i already gave you up to God. what he wants to do with you, with us is all up to Him. and that goes for you too. they say it takes 21 days to make a habit and counting the number of days i've not seen you would mean i have already acquired the habit of not needing to see you. and i think that's a good thing.

evaluating the year that was for me, i can say that i am proud of myself. i've had so much love and less hate. i've been very open about my feelings. i have less "what -if's", ""i-should-have's" and "why-didn't-i's". more "i-love-you's", i'm-sorry's" and 'thank-you's".

i am happy being 20 and i bet being 21 is a whole lot of fun.

say it again

no need to translate coz my eyes give me away. haaaay. i just told myself it's over. i just told myself i don't feel the same way. but what is this? is it possible to fall in love with a person 3 times? or is it because of the people around us? i don't know. i am confused. but i am happy. it's been a long time since i felt this way. now, i don't want to ask any questions. let me savor the moment. nothing is clear but i have nothing to lose.


i don't know why you have such power over me.
i don't know how you make my eyes speak only of honesty.
i don't know why i can't help but smile when you're around.
i don't know. do i need to know?