Bottled-up Negativities

It's been over a month since I last posted a blog entry. Busy or maybe I'm just too tired to write. So many things were hapening all at the same time and I can't seem to get a grip of what's happening, it's like everything I'm holding onto is slippang past my fingertips. During that time, a realization dawned on me. I need to write. I need to write to release all these negativites and to share to the world my joys, my happiness. So, prepare yourslef for a month's worth of bottled-up emotions.

I am in a place I have decided to leave as soon as I stepped in. But I'm still here because it's very hard to look for some place else when you can't leave the place you're at. I'm torn between trying to find that place I like, that place where I belong and staying just to prove my worth, to ensure that I will be missed when I'm gone. I'm torn because I know the people I love needs me to stay here just for the sustenance it provides and I can't fail them. All these years, I have been waiting for this time when I can give back to them, when I can take care of them like they took care of me. Once again I remind myself: Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

"I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love." I'll write another blog entry on this. But the gist is "He never really loved me." It hurts. It hurts that I spent so many nights and days thinking and sometimes crying about him only to find out that he never really did care. All these years I was holding on to the thought that maybe he was just tightlipped; that he loves me but because I avoid him, he got discouraged. I was so stupid because all along, I was the only one living on this love story.

I'm constatly having that feeling of wanting to own that universal undo button and I hate it because I tell my friends everytime, " Pinili mo yan. Panindigan mo." It sure is easier said than done.

I have this feeling that my brain is deteriorating. I often feel as in there is a haze covering my brain. It's like it's clouded of some sort. I am having difficulty focusing sometimes and I occasionally forget things that were said to me like 5 miutes ago. I also experience difficulty doing spontaneous calculations and I can't get seem to get the hang of playing a bass drum. It may sound perfectly normal to some but I really am not like that before. I can feel the difference. And I'm afraid. I'm only 21 so I don't think this has anything to do with ageing. I'm scared.

Negativities are bad for your health. It's better if you release them. And ask for positive energies from the Maker of it all.

Dear God,
I know haven't been speaking much to you lately. Inspite of that, you still take time to guide me and give solutions to my problems. Thank you for that. You don't know how much that means to me. After everyone has gone, I know you will still be there. Sorry for the times I stray away from the lessons you teach me.  Please, guide me in this journey. I won't last a second here without you. I am powerless. I am nothing without You.

Myka Danila: Naughty or NIce?

At least! May pag-asa pang igrant ni Santa ang wish ko for Christmas!

One Way Do Not Enter

I dreamt of you again...




We were walking close to each other

close enough to hold hands but still far to even try

We were walking uphill towards our friends seated on a table



facing us, they were chattering

and i couldn't help but blush when they said

"bagay talaga sila ano?"



and as a mischievious smile crossed our friend's face, my dream swirled into nothingness



The funny thing about this dream is that i didn't see your face but somehow, i knew it was you.

or i was hoping it was you or i was making myself believe it was you



damn



lagi kitang naiisip

lagi kitang napapanaginipan

lagi akong naghihintay ng text mo

lagi kong iniisip kung anong gagawin mo kung ikaw ang nasa lugar ko

lagi kong iniimagine an makikita kita randomly

lagi, lagi, lagi na lang ikaw



at ang nakakainis sa lahat ng ito...



hindi mo naman ako iniisip

hindi mo naman ako napapanaginipan

hindi ka naman naghihintay ng text ko

hindi mo naman iniisip kung anong gagawin ko kung akoa ng nasa lugar mo

hindi mo naman iniimagine na makikita mo ako randomly

hindi, ni minsan, hindi naman naging ako



sabi ko dati, ok lang kahit hindi mo ako mahal basta ikaw mahal ko.

pero nakakapagod din pala ang lagi na lang ako ang nagbibigay, lagi na lang ako ang nagmamahal

gusto ko rin namang maging selfish minsan and demand the love i deserve



at sa pag-eemo kong ito, may background music "Adele: Melt My Heart to Stone"



And I hear your words that I made up

You say my name like there could be an us

I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love



I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

Ilang beses ko kaya dapat ulitin ito sa sarili ko para matauhan ako?



I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love

I'm the only one in love



Well, at least, I'm in love. That must mean I'm capable of loving. And the ability to love guarrantees us that we are humans

That must mean, I'm a human! And if I could love this much, maybe, someday, I'll be loved as much.



At kung sino ka man out there somewhere na itinadhana ni Lord para sa akin, if you're reading this, don't worry.

I promise to keep my heart whole for you <3



(soooobrang cheeeeesy na ng dapat emo post!)



TATA

Margaret Mitchell

Mga Pangarap ng Isang 21 year old na nilalang

Isang gabi matapos gumawa ng copy, napakarandom na naisip ko "Ano nga bang pangarap ko?" (Nagpapakaprofound ang lola mo). Naisip ko bigla. Ikaw, ikaw ang pangarap ko (SOOOOOOOOOOBRANGG CHEEEEEEEEESY) pero actually parang hindi naman. Parang iba ang pangarap ko.Ano nga ba, ano nga ba ang pangarap ko?


pangarap kong kantahin para sa akin ng isang espesyal na tao ang "I'm yours" ng The Script

pangarap kong magtayo ng bahay ampunan

pangarap kong makakuha ng 100 na score sa karaoke

pangarap kong sumayaw ng ballroom
( at habang sinusulat ko ito tumugtog ang "if can see it then i can do it if i just believe it there's nothing to it" i sooooo love you Lord. Ang lakas ng bilib mo sakin)

pangarap kong makasakay sa eroplano

pangarap kong magkaroon ng anak

pangarap kong maging isang mabuting ina

pangarap kong makapagbake ng chocolate cake na masarap

pangarap kong umakytat ng puno

pangarap kong maging dj

pangarap kong sumulat

pangarap kong mapunta sa langit

pangarap kong magsulat ng sarili kong libro

pangarap kong malagay sa dyaryo (for a very positive reason. let's stress that)

pangarap kong makatanggap sa roses

pangarap kong makapagdrive ng kotse

pangarap kong maging proud sila sa akin

pangarap kong mahanap ang "The One"

Pangarap kong makarating sa Great Barrier Reef

Pangarap kong malibot ang Rome

Pangarap kong gumawa ng bag

pangarap kong makawitness ng isang miracle

pangarap kong makapagligtas ng ibang tao

pangarap kong mawala ang lahat ng pimples ko

pangarap kong maging kulot

Pangarap kong maging isang cartoon

pangarap kong makaimbento ng sarili kong recipe na masarap

pangarap kong manalo ng award

pangarap kong mag-out-of -town with my friends

pangarap kong matutong maggitara

pangarap kong matupad ang mga pangarap ko

pangarap kong maging pangarap ng iba. haha

things to do when you're bored to the max like hell

sobrang bored ako today. as in sinearch ko na ang "Things to do when you are bored" sa Google. They have an interesting list actually. ;) tried some. but don't make me tell. it's hilarious. hihi. so i decided to make my own list, for the sake of those like me, bored to the brink of death.

1. Go to peyups.com. anyway, I went to peyups.com for some entertainment. and i found these: haha

nung minahal kita para akong natraffic sa EDSA, i can't move on

ang bilis ng panahon noh? dati ang dami kong gusto, ngayon, ikaw na lang

super laughtrip. mukha akong tanga tumatawa mag-isa. you can choose from a wide array of forums, from boy to boy to girl to girl to RH bill. educating. challenging. entertaining!

2. send someone flowers. just because your day is a not-so-great one, it doesn't mean that you infect others too. i found this really cool site.that sends flowers via email. and a great perk is that it's free! you get to arrange the flowers. choose your vase. choose your card. very sweet.very modern. very unique

3. Google your name. Yes, I know it sounds like a very egotistic thing to do but it's fun. you'll be surprised at what others see when they Google you. My search turned up these results.

syempre puro StatSoc ang lumabas. haha. Narealize ko, ang dali ko pala istalk. haha.

3. Google your crush's name. haha. at syempre hindi ko pwedeng ipaste dito ang print screen ng search na yun. haha. Well, marami ka ring malalaman tungkol sa crush mo through this. For one, malalaman mo kung may facebook ba siya, multiply, formspring, tweeter, and whatsoever. haha. And, one thing leads to another. before you know it, malalaman mo na kung naniniwala ba siya sa destiny o hindi. Kung kumakain ba siya ng bagoong o hindi. Promise. Malalaman mo. haha. Google is very powerful. haha

4. Google your crush's friend's name. Remember what I said about one thing leads to another? Well, I got this idea after coming across a blog where my crush's name was mentioned. In fairness, very interesting ang friend niya na ito. haha. from what he wrote (i was able to read half of his blog) i can deduce that he's fun to be with, very dedicated to his studies and a hopeless romantic. haha. This blog entry was actually inspired by him. so credits to him. haha. I hope to meet him one day =D

5.Write a blog entry about the things you can do when you're bored. haha. This is last but not the least. Well, you got through your boring day so why not share it with others?

Fun right? Before I know it, time is up and I still am not finished writing this! Who said I was bored? haha

TATA

Low Bow

Para kang lobong unti-unting dumudulas sa kamay ko

Gustuhin ko mang hawakan ka habambuhay

Wala akong karapatang pigilan ang pag-angat mo

para kang lobong unit-unting dumudulas sa kamay ko

Darating ang panahon, mauubos rin ang tali

Darating ang panahon, di na kita maabot

Para kang lobong dumudulas sa kamay ko

Hinahayaan mo lang akong hayaan kang lumayo

Need you now.

Theme song for the month.

"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time"


I am happy. And right now that's what's important.

Advice to self: Dwell on the feeling. Let tomorrow worry about itself.

Namiss ko yung ganitong feeling.
Namiss ko yung ngumingiti mag-isa.
Namiss ko yung napapatalon pag nagvibrate ang phone.
Namiss ko yung "next" pag emo song ang nagpeplay
Namiss ko yung ngingiti na lang kasi hindi mo maipaliwanag kung gaano kasaya

Namimiss ko....

"It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now. Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now..."

Totorothoughts

June 7, 2011

My wish for the two of you has finally come true. And please believe me when I say I'm genuinely happy for the two of you. I have loved you both with all my heart albeit in different ways and nothing makes me happier than two of my friends falling in love.

Friends are the best anti-depressants as well as destressors

Songs played in the office everyday:
"I'm no beauty queen. I'm just beautiful me"
"That should be me holding your hand. That should be me making you laugh"
"Don't be a drag just be a queen"

Quote galing kay RM:
Ang pagkabigo sa pag-ibig ay parang pagkalaglag sa hagdan. Sa umpisa masakit, pero maya-maya tatawanan mo na lang.

tomorrow is another day

ang daming nakaklungkot na pangyayari nitong mga nakaraang linggo. pero hindi ko naman pwedeng itigil ang buhay ko dahil lang nalulungkot ako. naisip ko mas malulungkot ako kung iisipin ko ang mga bagay na nagpapalungkot sakin.kaya naman ngayon, manganagako ako sa sarili ko. hanggang ngayong gabi na lang ako magiging malungkot at maawa sa sarili ko. hanggang ngayong gabi na lang ang mga luhang ito.bukas.....

• aayusin ko na ang pamana ko kay mau
• i will list down ways to improve myself in all aspects
• babasahin ko ulit yung he's just not that into you
• i will smile more
• i will write more about my feelings. mas madaling mag let go pag naisulat mo na.
• hahanapin ko na ang "the one"
• aayusin ko na ang planner ko
• magiging ok na ako
• hindi ko na yun gagawin ulit at pag hindi ko ginawa i will reward myself with ice cream

kaya mo yan myka! pwede ba namang hindi? AJA! AJA!

realizations about death

death is such a sorrowful thing.

death seems to be something foreign, something trivial until it happens to you or to the people you love.

someone died because you lived and you lived because someone died. it is what we call balance.

we are not rich in anyway. we do not have the latest gadgets. we cannot boast of properties or antique furnitures. but we have the love that others will sell all their wealth for.

"at ang tanging pabaon ko ay pag-ibig"

people have different ways of coping with loss. as for me, i prefer to keep silent. sometimes, you have to hold your tears back to be able to wipe someone else's.

death is something natural.when we were born, we are expected to die some time in the future. what makes it painful are the what if's and what could have been's.

someday, we will be together in paradise.

simple dreams

someday, someone's fingers will fill the gaps between mine.... forever

Do I Make You Proud?

endless congratulations...
a long list of well-wishers...

but my heart yearns for the congratulations of that one person who served as my motivation all these years. ever since i started studying, i've worked so hard for the day that she will tell me "i'm proud of you anak." in the end, all success amount to nothing if i knew i didn't make her proud. it's amazing how mere words of a single person can make or break you. i remember crying that night because i did my best and people think i am the best but she still didn't seem satisfied. back then, the awards didn't seem to matter and the idea of graduation didn't excite me at all. all i could think of was "it wasn't enough to make her proud."

now, eight years after, i still have those worries in my heart. i am afraid to ask because i fear the answer. i fear that everything i have done is still not enough. i fear that i no longer have any chance to meet the expectations you set for me. i fear hearing you comparing me with others better than me. i fear hearing you're still not satisfied with who i am and with what i have achieved if there is any.

but not knowing torments me. so here i am, with all i am and all the hardwork and sleepless nights, standing in front you, asking "do i make you proud?"

not anymore

i used to involuntarily hold my breath when you're around
i used to skip a heart beat when you're on line
i used to be extra clumsy when i hear you coming
i used to stand in awe when i see you smiling
i used to have this tingles on my spine
i used to wish you were mine

but yes, not this time
not this time anymore
not anymore

i guess my love for you died a natural death

Listening to Adele

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forgive me first love, but I'm tired.
I need to get away to feel again.
Try to understand why, don't get so close to change my mind.
Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it's bribing me to doubt myself;
simply, it's tiring.

This love has dried up and stayed behind,
and if I stay I'll be alive,
then choke on words I'd always hide.
Excuse me first love, but we're through.
I need to taste the kiss from someone knew.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you, it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with tryin' to play me
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me I beg I'll remembered you said
sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you, you to just desert me
I cant give you, the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You'll never know if you never try
To just forget your past
and simply be mine

you have no right to be lazy because...

• a lot of people believes in you, you have no right to let them down
• although, the outcome is sure as the sun rising each day, there are things called miracles if you believe
• you used to have such passion and you succeed when you ignite it.
• you're the one who said that you want to live with no regrets so try and try.
• you only have 10 days to finish everything
• you need to do it so do it now!
• in this aspect of life, there are no second chances.
• you will not be doing this just to prove yourself, you will be doing this because this is what you want

huli ka!

alas dos ng umaga buhay na buhay pa
kay daming gagawin pag gising na sila
walang kausap, walang kasama
lumilipad ang isip patungong EDSA

biglang nahuli ko na lang ang sarili ko
humihiling, sumasamo
sana andito ka sa tabi ko
sana nakikita ko ang puyat na ngiti mo

ito yung mga panahong hinhiniling kong sana nandito ka
sana hindi naging komplikado ang mundong ginagalawan nating dalawa
sana kayang ayusin ng mundo ang mga problema niya
para may oras tayo sa isa't-isa

sana ngayon ikaw ang kapeng pampagising ko
sana tumatawa ako ng mag-isa sa mga hirit mo
sana madali kong natatapos ang gawain ko
kasi sa totoo lang, inspirado ako

ito yung mga panahong sana kasama kita
sana malapit ka kahit malayo naman talaga
sana wala tayong  mga problema
basta ikaw lang si .... at ako lang si Myka

inaamin kong di ko na dapat naiisip ito
kasi pinalaya ko na ang sarili ko sayo
pero maitatanggi ko ba ang totoo
na sa oras na ito, ikaw lang ang kailangan ko?

moving on

I made a deal with God

Just like what I did a year and a month ago

If you arrive then you will know and will know it all

But if you don't, you will never ever

The deal was 5 minutes after I finish writing my words

I waited. Waited until the time was up.

And even way beyond it.

Everytime the door creaks open, I turn

Wishing every stranger to be you

It was impossible for you to come

But the impossible is impossible if God wills it

So out of faith and love

I clutched that tissue paper drenched in purple

Now my heart and my feelings as fragile as it

I was ready to wait forever

But waiting has to end

God said the time is up

my words written in a tissue paper

i was prepared to tell you but you never came

and as this tissue paper now dissolves in the water

so is my love. so are my feelings

i am now prepared to let you go

because now i know and now for sure

we were never destined for a "forever after"

As I leave, I left that tissue paper

And along with it, my love for you

Although smeared by the choices I made

I tell you it is real. It was real

And yes, it is sad moving on from something that was real

Yes, it is sad but I am not hurting

I am no longer hurting

In fact, I am moving

Moving on.

thank you

thank you. thank God for you.

i was all alone. more alone than i have been inside my mother's womb.
i don't want to talk about it but i want someone to talk to.
i needed diversion. i needed other things to think about.

and there was you. thank God you're my friend. thank God you sleep so late at night.
thank God.

thank you because you understood. thank you because you don't ask questions. thank you.

i'm feeling a lot better now. and you will always be one of the reasons why i got through
and all i can say is thank you :D

A wish came true

He smiled at me this afternoon.

HE SMILED AAAAAAAAAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 

and i was so overwhelmed i tried to smile but i ended up looking like my tooth aches. I am such a failure. That was my only chance to offer you my best smile! UGH! I feel like a highschool student meeting her first crush along a corridor. UGH! Confidence? Where is my confidence!?

why does your smile have to be that beautiful? all i was able to do was stand in awe.

Magical Moment < 3

Alam kong cheesy pero kailangan mo na talagang malaman. Aalis na ako kaya huling pagkakataon ko na para sabihin sayo ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Mahal kita noon pa pero maniniwala ka ba kung sasabihin kong mas mahal kita ngayon? Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin. Magmumukha naman akong tanga nun kaya pinaramdam ko na lang. Sana naman  naramdaman mo diba? I love you so much I cannot even speak of its length or breadth or depth. I never thought I could love someone like this but then again I thought wrong. Dahil sayo, lagi na akong may katext at hindi ko na kailangan magforward ng quotes para masulit ang unli ko. Dahil sayo nagkaroon ako ng tapang. Dahil sayo mas naintindihan ko ang sarili ko. Dahil sayo naging mas mabuti akong tao. Dahil sayo, wala na akong pakialam sa sasabihin nila. Basta masaya ka. Basta kasama kita. 

Pero hindi rin naging madali ang ipakita sayo na mahal kita. Maraming beses na rin akong umiyak dahil sayo. Maraming beses na naiinis ako kasi hindi ko maiwasang hindi ka isipin kahit marami akong ginagawa sa acads. Maraming beses na naiiyak na lang ako sa sobrang pagod. Maraming beses na nahihilo na ako sa sobrang puyat. Maraming beses na rin na ginusto ko ng isuko ang lahat ng ito. Pero sa tuwing nakikita kitang nakangiti, nakatawa at masaya, nalulusaw lahat ng paghihirap. Nawawala lahat ng lungkot. Biglang ok na ako ulit.

Sabi ng mga magulang ko, nakasama ka raw sa akin. Nalulungkot ako. Nalulungkot ako kasi hindi nila makita kung gaano ako naging isang mabuting tao dahil sayo, kung gaano ako naging matatag dahil sayo. My best has always been because of you.

Sana sa pag-alis ko maging ok ka pa rin. Sana malampasan mo ang mga sarili mong expectations. Magkakalayo na tayo pero di naman ako mawawala. Pangako yan. Tawag ka lang pag kailangan mo ko. Alam mo namang hindi kita matitiis.

Sa panghuli, gusto kong magpasalamat sayo.  Salamat sa pagkakataong magkaroon tayo ng “babies” at “mga bunso.” Sana alam nila kung gaano ko sila kamahal.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging "Best Member" si Demae. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Canter na kinikilig. Salamat sa pagkakataong magpuyat kasama ni Gelli. Salamat sa pagkakataong masabihan ni Kat ng "I love you Myka Dear." Salamat sa pagkakataong makita ang bitchy side ni Q. Salamat sa pagkakataong mapaiyak si Polina. Salamat sa pagkakataong masermunan at sermunan si Hebs. Salamat sa pagkakataong makitang magkalovelife si Macar. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Aiz na kumain ng nakakamay. Salamat sa pagkakataong maging kampante na si Mau ang papalit sa akin. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Kris na laging kausap ni Chief habang kinikilig. Salamat sa pagkakataong makita si Kuya Marvin na hanggang tenga ang ngiti sa sobrang kilig. Sana alam nila na kung papipiliin ulit ako, sila pa rin ang mga members na kukunin ko.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging Personnel Chair mo. Salamat sa pagkakataong makilala sina Perv Goddess at Voyeuristic Princess. Salamat sa pagkakataong awayin  si RM at Jimmy. Salamat sa pagkakataong madiscover ang lovelives ni Nino. Salamat sa pagkakataong abusuhin ang sipag ni Thea at Kim. Salamat sa pagkakataong maasar ni Jong at asarin si Roni.  Salamat sa pagkakataong makatrabaho at maging mga tunay na kaibigan ang pinakajeje na BOD. Diba, akala nilang lahat hindi natin kakayanin. Pero akala lang nila yun.

Salamat sa pagkakataong maging tunay na kaibigan ang 2 pinakasexy na presidente mo. Sana alam nila kung gaano ko sila namimiss.

Salamat sa pagkakataong makilala at mahalin siya. Sana makahanap siya ng taong mamahalin niya at mamahalin siya ng higit pa.

Salamat sa lahat ng bagay na naituro mo sa akin. Salamat sa pagtitiwala. Salamat sa pagmamahal.  Salamat sa mabubuting kaibigan na natagpuan ko dahil sayo. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat sayo, StatSoc.

losing grip

i'm losing grip again. ang dami kong kailangan gawin pero wala akong ginagawa.

"you will still be here tomorrow but you're dreams may not"

ok. i'm saying that to convince myself. and i'll say it over and over again since i'm pretty much hard-headed.
i must stop thinking about you. MUST. i've done too much thinking this past few days and less of the acting. i must go back to my old busy self. so i'm going to let this all out tonight.

i saw you today. but i dare not get near you in case a friend has had too much ice cream and decided to spill my secret. i feel sad knowing that i will be leaving this place in a few months time and the already limited time i have with you will be drained to its limit. i will miss you. i will miss you as a friend. you've been one of the best i've ever had and i blame myself for complicating that friendship. but there is nothing i can do at this point. so please just promise me you will take care of yourself. Promise me you will conquer all this. Promise me you will not surrender. Please. and when the time comes that God gives us a second chance, i hope we can be at our best selves. not regretting the past because it definitely made us stronger. not regretting the past because it is definitely one of the memories i will treasure forever. not regretting the past without it there will be no present and precisely no future.

let me be inspired by you.

ok.lez go na.

Birthday Surprise

It was a beautiful evening and I was feeling so down again. Good thing nobody noticed because I would surely cry if anyone asked. I was sad because I am tired. I was sad because I feel like I'm killing myself. I was sad because the world seems to contradict my wants, my ideas. I just wanted to work, work to my limits so by then I could rest. The difference between being tired and being sad is that the former has an over-the-counter solution which the latter apparently lacks.

It felt weird smiling all the time when you know deep inside that there was no reason to do so. I was this much depressed. When a friend handed a picture of a certain person to me, i was infuriated. The first thing that popped on my mind was "Did you actually think my whole world revolves around this guy?! What good is a picture if you can't have the real thing?" I was more sulky after that. But then again, the tides turned. I am the worst person to give a surprise to because I always manage to find out (not that i'm trying!) They formed a circle with each holding candles and the next thing I know there was a loud "Happy Birthday" being sung while passers-by curiously look at us. They made me blow 21 candles not once but twice. And, I actually had a cake! A second cake for my birthday! My sadness seemed to drain away. I am very happy not because of the cake or the candles or the party hat but because the people I love were there singing at the top of their lungs that they are happy I was born, that is the best thing in the world. I don't give a damn about the people who don't know or even care if it's my birthday because I already have the ones who matter singing to me. I am happy, very happy.

Now I know that if God were to grant me a post-birthday wish, I would ask that He guide this people and give them the best of health because I don't know what I'd do without them.

And if God so loved me to grant me a second post-birthday wish, I would ask for a day with he-who-must-not-be-named when we could just talk all day without anybody throwing meaningful glances at me and teasing me inside their heads. I find it a great relief to be able to talk to him.

I am expressing this wishes now because God taught me this week that you must be careful what you wish for because you just might get it but you have to be extra careful not wishing for anything because you will get nothing. As goes the old Bible saying "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find." God always knew what i want even before i could put them into words and He gave me exactly that: my friends, my good friends. They are the best birthday gift ever.

birthday fast approaching.....

in less than a week i'd be turning 21. according to the laws of society, by then i could get married without my parents' consent. i am actually excited (not with the opportunity to get married without consent). For me, spending birthdays means being thankful of another year given by God and saying "happy birthday to you " is like saying "i'm glad God gave you one more year to be with me."

i think i won't be asking for anything this year because God always knew how to make my birthday very special. i won't be asking for you. i already gave you up to God. what he wants to do with you, with us is all up to Him. and that goes for you too. they say it takes 21 days to make a habit and counting the number of days i've not seen you would mean i have already acquired the habit of not needing to see you. and i think that's a good thing.

evaluating the year that was for me, i can say that i am proud of myself. i've had so much love and less hate. i've been very open about my feelings. i have less "what -if's", ""i-should-have's" and "why-didn't-i's". more "i-love-you's", i'm-sorry's" and 'thank-you's".

i am happy being 20 and i bet being 21 is a whole lot of fun.

say it again

no need to translate coz my eyes give me away. haaaay. i just told myself it's over. i just told myself i don't feel the same way. but what is this? is it possible to fall in love with a person 3 times? or is it because of the people around us? i don't know. i am confused. but i am happy. it's been a long time since i felt this way. now, i don't want to ask any questions. let me savor the moment. nothing is clear but i have nothing to lose.


i don't know why you have such power over me.
i don't know how you make my eyes speak only of honesty.
i don't know why i can't help but smile when you're around.
i don't know. do i need to know?

maybe...

"i love him. i still love him"

you say it as though you want to convince yourself. i wasn't there to witness your love story perhaps i just read about it somewhere or you just narrated them to me so i may judge wrongly. i may not even have the right to judge in the first place. you may not even read this or even if you do you may not know i'm writing about you. but trust me i'm writing this because i am your friend and because i love you.

maybe you didn't love him that much. forgive this brutal honesty but the sooner you accept it, the sooner you set yourself and him free. when you love a person, you don't need to convince yourself that you do. And you won't stammer when you say "i love you too."  why waste your time on someone you're not sure if you truly love? or to put it bluntly, why waste your time on someone you don't love?

 i think love is something we have to be sure about because we deal with hearts here. something more fragile than sugar glass. something more breakable than a promise.  so be careful. handle yourself with care. and that comes with a please.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

No matter how much I love you I will not tolerate being taken for granted. I won't waste my time and my voice on someone who doesn't even listen. I've given you my time and my best effort. It's time you deserve it. It's time you learn and earn respect. Applicants must learn how to apply. Appreciate it while it's still heaven because hell is just around the corner. Show me you are learning or at least willing to. DON'T MAKE ME TEACH YOU. You'll regret it. I'd rather not have any new members this sem than have 30 people I cannot be proud of. I can't believe I'm saying this. It might hurt you but think of how much it hurts me. Being angry with you and being disappointed with myself at the same time.Don't push me to my limits because at that point I push back. hard.

Untitled muna

"Tayo na!"
"Tayo na?"
"Oo, unless gusto mo pang maghintay?"
"Joke lang yun! Oh my God! I can't believe tayo na!"

Yan ang storya kung paano naging kami ni Oliver. Actually, niyaya ko lang siyang umalis na kasi ang tagal dumating nung gustong bumili ng tickets para sa play. Nagulat na lang ako kasi niyakap niya ako at in 5 seconds, may boyfriend na ako.

Ilang buwan na ring nanliligaw sa akin si Oliver. Pero hindi ko siya sinasagot. Hindi dahil sa ayaw ko sa kanya kundi dahil hindi ko lang siya ganun ka-gusto para i-commit ang sarili ko. Kung ganon, bakit hindi ko itinama yung maling akala niya? Well, let's just say I want to give it a try. Paano ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan? Paano ko malalaman kung masarap kung hindi ko titikman?

**********************************Disclaimer-not yet finished***********************

Proud StatSocer

ang saya-saya ko. perhaps, throughout my entire lifetime, this is the day when i said the most number of  i love you's. i never say it unless i mean it. but today in StatSoc's bonding activity, it just flowed out of me. The activity wasn't anywhere near perfect. magulo. maingay. but it's the people, the StatSocers who made it a success. akala ko hindi ako iiyak kasi sobrang masaya ako. but i was wrong. i realized that the more i am happy the more i shed tears. i share my smile with only the most special people but i share my tears with only the most special of those special people. it feels so good to not hold back anything. it feels so good to be totally honest with the people that matter so much, with the people closest to my heart. i realized that i love who i've become because maybe if i hadn't been me, i wouldn't meet these wonderful people or maybe it's the other way around, because i met these wonderful people, i have become who i am and i am not ashamed of that.

nalulungkot ako para sa mga taong hindi naging StatSoc, mga taong hindi nararamdaman ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. we're not a perfect organization because we're not just an organization, we're a family. sa mga taong ayaw magStatSoc, kebs ko sa inyong lahat. You may be happy now but you're missing the chance to be happier. and that is not an overstatement.

sana maging mas masaya pa ang StatSoc! Stat WHAT???????

Synonyms

Endless talks and conversations

Countless LOL’s and emoticons

Till the sun shines, smiles and welcomes

Till the clock starts throwing tantrums

The “online friendship” I call it

Synonym to bond closely knit

online friendships, too few are gold

Ours is here until we get old

Thoughts shared about boys, dudes and guys

About white and red colored lies

When my day smiles, laughs and giggles

Or when it cries, begs and cripples

“I know I can sure count on you”

Synonym to seeing me through

Twists and turns, step downs and step ups

You are my most gorgeous back-up

Advices, two cents’ worth’s, sermons

Given freshly squeezed like lemons

My birthyear though less than yours

I bow to you, students to mentors

Words to the wise sprayed by your lips

Is sunshine to my petal tips

Synonymous to buoyant love

Sisters at heart made from above

Here we are at the starting line

Far from the goal, but we’ll be fine

We are pencils to be sharpened

Chain links to be tested, strengthened

Friends till we are two hundred two

Or until the dogs start to moo

I am synonymous to you

You are synonymous to “ a friend that is true”

**** For  Gelli's 18 memories. First poem in a very long time.

officially missing you...

You were not here today. Just like the other day and the day before that. Where are you? Why the sudden disappearance? Is something wrong? I can't help but ask questions. Will they ever be answered? (UGH! Even that is a question!) Because you are not here to answer them and in my normal sober mode, I cannot have the courage to ask. I feel sad. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, it makes the heart grow tired. And now I must say I am tired. I am tired of asking questions. I am tired of figuring you out. I am tired of waiting.

I feel like I lost an old friend. I miss you not anymore as my object of affection but as  one of my most valued friends.  I just want my friend back. I won't be here any longer. You can count with the fingers of one hand the number of months until I'm gone. I just want to spend that remaining time having fun with my friends. But it seems wanting something more than friendship has driven you away from me. So, if you don't want to be my object of affection then so be it. Maybe we're better off as friends. Yeah, just friends. 

TSK!

ano bang problema? para naman akong bola sa dodgeball, iniiwasan. kung may problema ka sakin, sabihin mo. wag mo akong pahirapan ng ganito. kung gusto mo akong kalimutan, sabihin mo lang para matulungan kita.

This 2011, I want to:

1. be a more active and versatile blogger (cross fingers for poetry and short stories)
2. plan with the planner (mahal yan, abusuhin mo)
3. be less vocal about my (romantic) feelings (i was very vocal about it and it didn't work out. haha. kunwari, i learned a lesson)
4. learn how to play an instrument 
5. be in love :)
6. be kinder (di ko namamalayan, maldita na ako. and that's not good haha)
7. be a financially stable person (i'd be joining the workforce soon so overstretching the budget and asking mom for help won't do anymore)
8. REALLY learn how to swim (para hindi laging hanggang 5 feet lang ung kaya kong languyin)
9. start a collection (well i don't know what yet but it will come)
10. buy christmas gifts for everyone with my own earned money (honestly, one of my motivations for studying.haha)
11. laugh everyday (hindi naman lumilipas ang isang araw na di ako tumatawa (unless tulog ako) pero ang sarap lang iimpose sa sarili haha)
12. forgive like i have amnesia (i hope i don't make enemies this year.maybe it's impossible but i am willing to try)
13. be more adventurously daring (jump without thinking and just cry if it hurts haha)
14. make a new friend (naloka ako sa 'make' pero ang ibig ko lang sabihin ay makipagkaibigan sa isang total stranger. yung hindi inintroduce or katrabaho or kaklase. mga tipong nakasabay ko lang sa mrt haha)
15. write a love letter and send it ( so kelangan magawa ko muna yung #5 haha)
16. spend a whole day in a library (time to give in to my second nature: reading)
17. list 20 books i want to read and read them
18. research and learn 100 new trivias
19. learn and use 100 new English words
20. spend a whole day wearing high heels (i have to learn how to haha)
21. anime series marathon for a day
22. learn how to sing at least 1 song (ng maayos yung mga tipong makaka99 sa videoke.haha. my frustration)
23. makumpleto ang simbang gabi (this year, i have to! I HAVE TO!)
24. start an autobiography (hindi pa naman ako mamatay. kaya nga start lang eh)
25. find a new hobby (reading, writing, sleeping and eating are all cliche hobbies. i want a new one!